


Learning To Grow, (With You)

by wekingsandprettythings



Series: Learning to Love Series [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Deaf Character, Domestic Fluff, Emetophobia, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Married Life, Pregnancy, References to Depression, Smut, Surrogacy, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-08-05 01:05:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16357676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: 16 years ago if you asked Dan Howell where he thought his life was going, he would have never thought of being married with two kids and trying for a third. Yet here he is now, Daniel Lester, married to the most amazing man he’s ever known with their two teenage daughters and a little bundle of joy on the way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'd just like to get sappy and thank everyone who read the last story. i love this world so much and i'm so happy that so many of you loved it too. i had too many ideas for an "epilogue" that it's become its own story. as of right now i imagine it will be upwards of 10 chapters maybe more and i cant wait to share this with you<3 for little insights in the chapters or the world in general, i talk about it a lot on twitter if you want to follow me @deathielhowell <3

5 years later. 

It was like any other morning in the Lester household. Phil made lunches while Dan made sure the girls were ready and the dog was fed. Dan made sure to kiss them both on the head while they eat their cereal, Phil took his coffee to his room to get ready for work and Dan didn’t have to work till everyone else was gone. 

“Okay, we’re going now. Love you dads.” Emily said, picking up her backpack and taking the keys to the mini off the wall. 

“Drive safe. Precious cargo and all that.” Dan replied, leaning against the wall that separated the kitchen from the front door. 

“We will, love you see you after school!” Violet called back, opening the door and following her sister out the door. 

Somehow, Dan closed his eyes to go to sleep one night and he woke up with 2 teenagers who could drive and a dog at his feet wanting to eat his toast that was in his hand even though she already eat. 

“Hey,” Phil said, walking past him and kissing him on the cheek. “We’re still going to the doctors at one today right?” 

Dan smile wide, “yeah, today’s the day.” 

“What if it’s magically became twins oh my god or what if it’s grown a third arm? Dan are we ready for this?” Phil said, the same panic in his voice as the day he fell in love with him. 

“If it is magically twins after the last two ultrasounds I’d be raising them on my own because Charlotte would kill you for getting her double knocked up. She only signed up for one baby.” Dan laughed, watching Phil put his shoes on. His heart ached the same way it did every morning when Phil left for the day. Even with it being for only a few hours, he still wished he could be beside Phil 24/7.

“Well then.” Phil giggled back. “I really have to get to work now. I’ll be here at twelve forty to get you.” he said softly, walking over to Dan. he kissed him on the lips softly, breathing him in deeply. He pulled away just enough to look in his eyes. “I love you. I can’t wait to come home.”

“Come home to me soon.” he replied softly, that pain in his heart getting stronger knowing Phil wants nothing more than to be beside him 24/7 as well. 

“I’ll always come home to you.” he said with a smile.   
  


 

His two clients that morning were quick and easy. Regular checkups, nothing major. He felt good. He felt even better knowing his love was coming home soon and they were going to see how their baby looked inside his best friends uterus. 

They always knew they wanted to extend the family, grow more, having a shared child to grow in their love as a duo. So when Charlotte was over for dinner a few months prior, complaining about how as a midwife she always wanted to give birth but never wanted to keep a baby for herself, the pieces all sort of fell together. 

He met Phil in the driveway at 12:40 just like he said. Hopped in the passenger seat and kissed him before driving to the doctors office, holding onto the armrest like he always has. 5 years can pass and Phil is still a terrible driver. But 5 years also passed and he still loved him the way he did that first time Phil drove him around, maybe just a little more. 

Pulling into the doctors parking garage was always nerve wracking for them. The first time 4 months ago they were seeing if Charlotte had a good uterus, the next they were donating a cup of sperm, then the scariest one of all was when they found out if they were pregnant. After knowing they were all the following appointments weren’t as scary, but the concern for their little baby built with every single check up.

Dan never did this last time. Sarah kept it all to herself up until she went into labour. Even then Dan sat in the waiting room, he watched them wheel Sarah’s bed out of the room while she cried and looked away. Then they came out with Violet in a blanket and handed it to him. This time was going to be so different, so much different that it felt like the first time he was having a baby.

The wait wasn’t long, apparently not many people made appointments at 1pm on a Tuesday in June. the doctor invited them into a room, Charlotte was already in a gown on the bed, like she always was when they got there. At first Dan thought she was just always punctual and then he remembered she worked there, she was a midwife there, she had perks and she was using them. 

They started by listening to the heartbeat, it was strong as ever. Then they moved onto actually seeing it. They were less alien like, their head was still a lot bigger than their body but they didn’t look like a bean anymore. They were becoming a real little person.

“So because we did genetic testing in week ten, and you didn’t hear from us all is well. Perfect actually. You have a very healthy baby in here. And we know the gender if you would like that.” the doctor explained, she was a small little asian woman who was sat on an office chair that was extended as high as it could go.

“Can you write it down? We’re having a dinner for my birthday this weekend, it would be nice for everyone to know then.” Dan asked, smiling wider than he ever had.

“We haven’t even told our parents yet.” Phil added, also smiling but Dan knew how nervous he was to tell everyone.

“We’ll tell them everything that day then.”

 

 

They left the office, having hugged charlotte and Dan kissed her belly, making her uncomfortable but he told her to suck it up, “we’ve done weirder things together, let me love my baby.” he said, making her laugh.

Dan drove this time, taking them to the shopping centre instead of home, “why are we here?” Phil asked as they pulled into a parking space.

“Well, we’re seeing your parents for my birthday this weekend and while they’re all giving me gifts I would like to give them one as well.” He explained. Phil looked confused. “They have a baby store here, I want to get some cute little outfits that say I love my grandparents. It’ll be cute.”

“Anything will be better than the last time I told them i was having a kid. I kinda got a call from Iris saying she thought she was pregnant and she was freaking out and I cried and ran to my dad cause i didn’t have any money and I wanted to fly to Ireland to go see her and make sure she was okay.” Phil explained.

“It’s been five years and I still have never heard anything about the beginning of your relationship. Only the middle and end.” Dan said softly. 

“Yeah we just panicked and I moved to Ireland for a few weeks till she packed and we moved to Manchester and got a small apartment for a year and then moved into the house when Emily was seven months old. Mum and dad we’re just as panicked and worried.” Phil explained with a soft smile. 

“Well, let’s go look at everything and make this announcement cute for them.” Dan smiled back.

“We still have to tell the girls we’re having a baby.” Phil said softly.

“Yeah, we’ll pick something out for them too and we can tell them tonight, I don’t think they’ll be surprised, they know we wanted to start trying.” Dan said, taking off his seatbelt and watching Phil do the same.

“So what should we get?” Phil asked as he opened his door.

Dan left the car and walked around to Phil’s side, grabbing his hand. “What if we get both a best granddaughter and grandson onesie and then give the cashier the gender note and have them put the right one in the bag for us?”

“Yeah that will work, then we’ll all be surprised!” Phil said, giddy as ever while he gripped Dan’s hand harder and leaned into his shoulder while they walked.

The store was on the second floor at the opposite end of the shopping centre they walked through the whole centre hand in hand, as close as they could be. He’d never stop being amazed by how wonderful it was to walk hand in hand in public with the love of his life, showing off that he landed Phil Lester. Not that anyone was looking at them or cared, but he still liked knowing Phil was his husband and no one else would ever have what they had.


	2. Chapter 2

Getting home, the girls were already in the living room in their home clothes watching beauty videos on youtube. Giggling at something on their phones, Emily sat at one end while Violet stretched her body across the couch leaving her feet on Emily’s lap. They were still best friends after all these years. 

“Who here would like to go out for dinner?” Phil called as he closed the door and Dan smacked the keys on the counter. 

“Me please!” the girls both said.

“Good!” Dan cheered, placing the bag of baby clothes, he may have spent too much on, on the kitchen counter. “We’re celebrating.”

Emily giggled, throwing her head back so she could see over the back of the couch, “celebrating what?”

Dan looked over at Phil, they both had a giddy smile on their faces. They weren’t talking but Phil knew Dan was asking if they should tell now or later just with the way his eyes glistened and his head tilted. Phil nodded.

“We’re having a baby.” He said softly. 

“Shut up!” Violet cried. 

Phil came and stood behind Dan, wrapping his arms around him and putting his head on his shoulder. Dan put his hands over Phils on his waist, leaning back into him. “Nope, we can’t.” he joked back.

“When? Oh my god is it a girl or a boy?” Emily said, pushing Violets feet off her as she got up to go talk to them, Violet following her. 

“January third is the due date, and we’ll know the gender when we tell everyone at my birthday dinner on Saturday.” Phil explained.

Dan felt Phil smile against his neck, he continued for him. “There is a onesie in that bag behind us that says either best grandson or granddaughter and you’re nanny and grandad are going to open it and then we’ll all know.” 

“Holy shit okay, this is so cool.” Violet said before wrapping herself around her dad as well, and then Emily followed. 

Group hugs in the kitchen were a regular occurrence, but this one felt so similar to the one they had when they announced they were all moving in together or when they said they were getting married at the courthouse in town on a random Sunday in May. they were a weird bunch, but they all worked together so well, and this new little baby was going to complete them. 

“Go get ready, we’re going to Peggy’s for five.” Phil said, squeezing Dan’s middle a bit tighter before walking off into their room to get ready. The girls doing the same. 

He sighed, taking the bag of baby clothes to their room, the special onesie was double wrapped in bags inside the main bag, he took it out and but it in a gift bag with some tissue paper and put it in the back of his closet so he wouldn’t be tempted to look. But he wanted to look so darn badly. 

He wanted it to be pink so bad.

He took out a nice shirt and closed his closed door, Phil came out of the bathroom looking flawless as he did so. He was in a black dress shirt, his hair was nice and styles and a lovely light brown that Dan still wasn’t used to. When he stopped dying it and shaved it off so it would all grow in brown Dan almost lost his mind, but it made him look more mature. He finally looked 37, like he was a dad and a husband. 

“You’re cute.” Dan said, walking passed him and into the bathroom so he could get ready too. 

“Just trying to compete with my cute husband.” Phil replied. 

He had butterflies even after 5 years, he loved that man way too much. 

 

Lying in bed that night, Dan’s head on Phil’s bare chest, he couldn’t help but smile. Phil was rubbing his hand up and down Dan’s back under the covers. Post coital bliss with Phil was something that kept getting better somehow, no matter how many times they’d had sex in the five years they’d been together.

“How do you feel about Paisley?” Phil whispered.

“Who?” 

“For the baby dumbass,” Phil said with a giggle.

“Listen, you literally fucked my brains out I don’t even know who I am at this point.” Dan said before giggling right back.

“I love you.” Phil whispered.

“I love you too, and yes Paisley is cute but I also like Brigid and Finley.” 

“What about boys names?” 

“Finley works for both, James also works for both, any really can work for both because gender is a construct.” Dan explained. 

He was quiet for a minute, he never really thought of boy names before. When Sarah was pregnant he knew she was having a girl early on, he didn’t expect to name her or even have sole custody, but when he held her for the first time Violet was just want was right. Now he has time to plan, and consult with the child’s other parents and build a love with them before even holding them for the first time. It was so incredibly different from the first time and he was so ready. 

“I like Liam and Ashton for boys.” Phil said.

“Those are nice,” he said cuddling into Phil more, “but I kinda hope we have another girl.” 

Phil rubbed his back lightly, tracing his nails on the skin, “I don’t mind either way, a boy would be fun and different though.” 

Dan nodded against Phil’s chest, “having a baby with you is going to be lots of fun.” Dan agreed.

“I kinda wish one of us was the pregnant one though,” he said softly. “like when Iris was pregnant it was so nice to talk to her belly and cuddle it at night when she’d let me. I miss that part.”

“I never experienced any part of the pregnancy. I just saw her in the halls at school with a growing bump till she didn’t come to class anymore and Patty called me when she was in labour and I was handed a baby.” Dan said, the sad tone in his voice making Phil hold him a bit tighter. 

“Well, I’m sure charlotte will be down to let you kiss her bump and talk to it and even have a sleepover with her to see what it’s like when they have the hiccups at 3am and kick you through her stomach.”

Dan laughed, he could only imagine what it’s like living with a pregnant woman. “Yeah if her wife lets me in the middle of them.” 

“I’ll take Katie for the night while you’re with Lottie.” Phil whispered.

“I didn’t know you were into swinging.” 

“Shut up,” Phil said, nudging him off. Dan rolled over onto his back. “I love you.” 

“I know.” Dan said, pulling him over and kissing while Phil tried to find a comfortable position on top of him. 

Dan kept kissing him, he always kissed him as if his life depended on it, like it was the last kiss they’d ever share, even if he knew they’d have more later and even if they’d just finished having sex. He put all the passion in the world into Phil because he was ridiculously grateful for him. 

He moved to kiss down Phil’s jaw and neck, leaving Phil room to speak. “We need to sleep soon, we have work in the morning.” 

Dan huffed, “fine. Hold me and tell me you love me till I fall asleep.” 

Phil cuddled into him, being the big spoon like he always was. Wrapping him in love and happiness, he kissed Dan’s shoulder. “I love you.” 

“Love you more Phil.” he replied.

“Hmm, doubt it.” Phil joked, settling his breathing and actually trying to sleep.

Dan just sat there in the dark, his mind didn’t shut off and relax as fast as Phil’s did. They had many a chat about it at night, Phil rolling over at 2am to find Dan still awake either lying there bored or on his phone. He just couldn’t sleep right, it would come in handy when they had the baby however. 

It was going to be amazing having a baby now. He had his husband and two teen daughters, he had Phil’s parents and Charlotte and her wife. He was surrounded in so much more support and love now than he was in 2007 and he couldn’t be happier about it. 

He smiled, thinking about all the adventures that were coming up. He imagined all the little things their family of 5 would get up to, his mind was filled with happy thoughts and suddenly he was sleeping. Being happy was the trick to a good night of sleep. 

 

 

They all walked into Katherine and Nigel’s house to be greeted with all the other Lester’s already in the lounge. Martyn and Cornelia’s 3 kids all running around the room playing with balloons and a banner read ‘happy birthday Dan” in Crayon was on the fireplace. “Hi!” Phil cheered as they took their shoes off in the hallway. 

“Happy birthday!!!” Lia and her brother Noah said, running out and into Phil’s arms.

“It’s not my birthday!” he reminded them. 

Dan knelt down and they crashed into his open arms. “Thank you.” he said softly. He loved these two and their little brother Elijah.

Dan walked into the lounge with his present for them in his hand. “What’s that?” Cornelia asked.

“Something for Kath and Nige later or now, whatever they choose.” He said, placing it on the coffee table. 

“Well it’s your day dear so it can wait till after dinner if you’d like?” Katherine suggested, but he could see the excitement on her face. She was like her son, she liked gifts. It was only 5pm, they’d be having dinner soon so they wouldn't have to wait long but they were all growing impatient. 

“Where are the girls?” Martyn asked.

“Emily went with Violet to get her boyfriend so you can all meet him.” Phil said, sitting beside his mum and placing his head on her shoulder. Dan took a seat beside Phil and placed his hand on his knee. 

“How’s that make you feel Dan?” Cornelia asked.

“Nick is nice, I like him and he’s kinda dorky like I was at sixteen so I’m really not worried of him breaking her heart or mistreating her and she’s also like a bit of a bad you know what so I think she’d actually kill him if he did hurt her.” Dan explained. 

“Yeah she’s who he’s have to worry about, not me or Dan kicking his butt.” Phil agreed with a giggle.

“That’s good, I’m worried for when these three start getting interested in people.” Cornelia said, gesturing at her beautiful ginger children all smacking each other with balloons on the floor. 

They were all still little, they were at the best stages in their lives and she had nothing to worry about yet, but he knew from experience that you always worry and think about how fast time will fly when the kids are the littlest. She had a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a 14 month old, she had all the time in the world to worry yet.

“Does Emily have anyone she’s interested in?” Kath asked, loving the gossip. 

“No, not that we know of, she kinda keeps to herself and she gets really uncomfortable when ever Nick and Violet are cuddled on the couch, she probably just isn’t ready to let anyone love her.” Phil said.

“Yeah and I was talking to her the other day about Vy and how I told her years ago that it’s important to love yourself before letting someone else love you and she said she’s working on it so who knows really. That girl is a mystery.” Dan added.

“She’ll find a nice partner for her someday.” Nigel added, his eyes closed where he sat in his recliner, he was always just listening in the distance. 

They continues to chat till the girls arrived. Nick wasn’t as shy with everyone as he was the first night Violet brought him home, he introduced himself and shook everyone's hand. He sat down on the floor with the girls, standing out like a sore thumb with the rest of the kids. He was very tall, close to 6 feet, his black hair was pushed back and he has almost a full beard for being 17. 

The girls were only there for 20 minutes before dinner was ready, all of them sat in the kitchen, Kath had long since added a second leaf in her table to extend it, and there still wasn’t enough room for everyone. “Thank god for the breakfast bar,” Kath said almost every time they had everyone there as all 11 of them trying to squeeze into the dining room. 

The older kids sat together at the counter, the adults and children at the real table. Eli was still using a high chair, by the time their baby came he’d probably be in a booster seat. Dan couldn’t help but think of how crazy it would get once the 12th Lester arrived. 

Kath made his favorite, a Sunday roast. The meat was tender and amazing as always, her carrots were to die for and the mash potatoes were basically like eating the clouds in heaven. He loved her cooking, he let her know every time they eat there, no matter what meal it was. The kids liked it as well, even the little ones. Cornelia and Kath telling them if they eat their carrots they would have glow in the dark hair at night. It made Dan that much more excited to have a little one.

“Cake and presents?” Kath offered, standing up and taking some plates to the kitchen. 

“Can I give you yours first? I’m dying to, it’s my birthday wish.” Dan said, getting up to follow her to the kitchen. 

“If that’s what you want dear, then sure.” she said with a smile. 

Cornelia and Phil helped clean off the table and do a few dishes while everyone else sat and waited to get on with the festivities. When Kath came back, she sat down with the big present bag on the table in front of her, Dan gave Emily a predetermined signal to film it and she took her phone out. 

“I’m excited.” she said, slowly taking out the tissue paper. Then she took out the double wrapped bags. Dan felt his heart rate go up.

He didn’t notice Phil was standing behind him with his hand on Dan’s shoulders till he squeezed a bit as she took off the first bag. Dan reached up to grab one of Phil’s hands and hold it. She took out the onesie and Dan gripped Phil’s hand hard.

“Oh my,” she said, unfolding it and flipping it over. “Best granddaughter ever.” she whispered. 

Everyone was in shock, cheering and clapping and yelling. But Dan was crying. He put his hands over his face and sobbed. Phil leaned down and wrapped his arms around Dan, “we’re having a girl my love.” he whispered.

“Did you guys not know?” Martyn asked.

“We thought it would be fun to tell you all and find out at the same time.” Phil explained, still holding Dan. 

“Come here child.” Kath said, also crying. 

Phil went to hug his mum, and Violet replaced Phil. hugging her dad tight. “You okay?” she asked. 

“I really wanted another girl, I’m just so happy hun.” 

“You’re such a great dad, I can’t wait to see you with a baby and be here to help this time.” she said, kissing his cheek. He really lucked out.

“So when are you due?” Cornelia asked, getting right to the nitty gritty. 

“January third, and my friend Charlotte is carrying for us, and she’s Phil’s genetically.” Dan explained, regaining his composure, he wasn’t sure why he cried but he was just too fucking happy not to. 

“Is Lottie the mum or?” Martyn followed up, holding his little one in his arms.

“No, we got an egg donor from a woman who was a lot like Dan so that we could try and have her look the most like the both of us as possible.” Phil explained. 

“Yeah egg number one-six-five-nine-three-two had natural curly hair, brown eyes, a dimple on both cheeks, she tanned well, no family cancers that she knew of, she was smart and even athletic so maybe she’s not like me.” Dan said, smiling over at Phil who was sitting beside him mum now. 

“I’m so happy for you boys, you’re going to be great dad’s together.” Nigel congratulated them, reaching his hand out to take Katherines and smile. 

“Okay cake time!” Martyn yelled, making all the children cheer. 

Dan shook his head at him, he loved this family.


	3. Chapter 3

The next step after telling Phil’s family was telling his own. He called his mum to let her know, she cried with him on the phone. He texted his brother next to tell him he’d have another niece in a few months. He even messaged his dad for the first time in a while. He was happy for them even though he’d never met Phil or Emily.

His dad never came to the wedding, he was officially divorced from Dan’s mother and now he lived full time in New Zealand with his girlfriend and her 3 children. Dan texted him every year on his birthday and at Christmas but other than that he really didn’t have anything to share with him. His last text from his Dad said ‘maybe i’ll come down in January and see the newest Howell.’ Dan didn’t hold his breath.

Then they told friends, Facebook saw the reveal video first and then Phil posted it to all his fans to see. They were very surprised when the trending topic of the hour was ‘YouTube Star AmazingPhil Expecting Second Child with Young Minds Ambassador/Husband Daniel Howell.’ it was a fucking mouthful when he read it out loud. 

Louise was over the moon for them, she was having a boy around the same time. Peggy cried, she was excited to see him back at her booth on early Sunday mornings with a beautiful little girl once again. Phil’s friends Ian and PJ couldn’t believe the news when they heard, texting Phil that they never thought he’d have another kid but they were beyond happy for him. Their baby was beyond loved and she wasn’t even here yet. 

Over the following week he worked on telling his work that he’d be off on Paternity leave in January. His boss was okay with it, giving him the year off that he was entitled to. He told all his clients about the baby, making sure they knew that come January they would be speaking to a different counsellor than him. It gave them all 6 months to get ready to switch over to someone new. 

He turned off his computer, having spoke to his last client of the day at only 11am. He had a few hours till Phil came home, the girls wouldn’t be home till late that night, going to study group at the Starbucks in town with all their friends. Bowie was sitting at his feet, “come with me, lets go plan the babies room.” he said to her, watching her cute little butt lift from the ground as she got ready to follow him out of the room.

Up the stairs and around the corner from the Girls rooms there was Phil’s office and an empty room. Emily’s room was once the guest bedroom, but after they moved in all those years ago they never put another guest bedroom in the house. They didn’t really have a need to. So that left a plain and empty white walled room free for a tiny baby. She’d most likely spend the first year or so in their room, co-sleeping was something Dan actually loved and bonded him with Violet more than he thought possible. 

He walked into the room, leaving the door open behind him. The room was a perfect square, it was at the corner of the house meaning it had two big windows on adjacent walls that made it super bright in there. He took his phone out and wrote the words ‘black-out curtains’ on his notes. He wanted to plan the room perfectly, it was the first time he’d decorate a baby room.

Violet was 6 when they moved into the house, old enough to pick out the wall colours and accents she wanted. So planning a room for a baby to grow and make her own was something he was beyond excited for. He thought of making it a light grey colour, gender neutral and something that would be nice when she was older. Both her sisters had grey rooms, both choosing accent colours to liven it up and it was perfect for them. 

An accent wall would be cute. A nice cloud mobile would be amazing. He sat down on the white washed hardwood floor, Bowie laying her head on his leg while he looked through Pinterest on his phone at baby room ideas. Making a new board called ‘baby Lester 2019’, he filled it with cute cribs and blankets, stuffed animals and art for the walls. He was beyond excited. At one point he laid back completely, letting Bowie crawl onto his chest so he could pet her with one hand and scroll through Pinterest with the other. 

“I’m home!” Phil yelled from downstairs, making Bowie excited to go see her dad. Her cute little corgi butt bounced as she left the room to go and see him. 

“I’m in the baby room!” Dan called back, smiling immediately. 

Phil walked in with a shopping bag in his hand, Bowie trailing behind him once again. He smiled down at Dan on the floor. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“Imagining what we could do in here for our little girl.” he said, “come sit with me.” 

“Hold on I got her something today.” Phil said, holding the bag up a bit. He opened it to show a canvas with a calligraphy saying on it, he handed it over to Dan.

“Beautiful girl, you can do amazing things.” Dan read out, he felt a lump grow in his throat. “This is so cute Phil oh my god.” he said. 

“I saw it at the little art fair happening in the main floor of my building and I couldn’t help myself, being amazing Phil and all.” he said with a giddy smile on his face. 

Dan handed it back to him and he leaned it against the wall before joining Dan on the floor. He laid down, Dan rolled to cuddle into him and Phil wrapped his arms around him. The hardwood wasn’t comfortable at all, he made a mental note to get a good carpet for the room soon. 

“What do you want to do tonight? The girls won’t be home till after eight.” 

“Want to go to IKEA and get some baby things and eat some meatballs and cinnamon buns?” Dan suggested. 

Phil kissed his head and held him a bit tighter. “Yes, I knew I married you for a reason.”

“My amazing ideas and the fact I’m good in bed?” Dan said jokingly, trying to get up but being pulled back down so Phil could kiss him again. 

“I love you.” Phil whispered into his mouth.

“I love you more.” Dan replied, another smile growing on his face. 

 

IKEA at 1pm on a Thursday was prime time for going. There was hardly anyone in the store which made parking a breeze and there was so much room for them to shop. And they could be idiots together in the isles and not feel like they were being judged. They could test beds that they weren’t going to buy, they could sit on couches and pretend to be watching TV. they could pretend they were hosts of a cooking show in the staged kitchens and there wasn’t a single person around. It was a complete giggle fest for them. 

However after all the jokes were made Dan did find a crib that he liked. It was all white, with drawers at the bottom. It could change into a toddler bed when she was older and with the drawers for her things, it was perfect. He wrote the name and number down on their IKEA paper and moved onto mattresses and sheets. 

It was a little crazy that he was buying new baby things. Violet slept in his cousins old crib when he lived at home and then a pack n play in university. But he was going to spoil this baby. Buying all her things started to make her feel more real. 

“This mattress is hypoallergenic and made from bamboo so it’s supposed to be really good for her.” Phil said reading the tags on all the mattresses. 

“Yeah, write the number down.” Dan said, handing him the card and paper.

To his right he saw all the bedsheet options. He grabbed a few white fitted sheets, they were the best because he could bleach them after accidents and they were cheap too. He threw them in the cart along side a crib skirt, a pack of 10 washcloths, a few white swaddle blankets and a pillow that were all in the area they were in. The hardest choice they had to make however was on her blankie. 

Every parent knew that the blankie they got for their child often became the one they were obsessed with. Violet had one that was purple with llamas on it, she took it everywhere till she was 6 and by then it was absolutely disgusting. “Lets wait to get her a blankie till she has a name and we can maybe get it on amazon or a baby store and have it be more personal for her.” Dan said, walking past all the options and onto the other baby furniture. 

They added a matching changing table to the list, it was white with nice drawers and it looked sturdy enough to hold a whole ass child who would be rolling and flailing. Some of the options didn’t look safe at all and kinda upset Dan to look at. They had tops that extended out unevenly making it look like it would topple over if the weight was uneven on one side. He couldn’t imagine looking away for one second and suddenly his baby was rolling out or the whole thing was falling over. 

They found a nice and soft changing pad, and a few covers that were also white for easy cleaning. It was nice to just grab a bunch of random baby things at good prices and just fling them in the cart. Things like bibs, felt storage drawers for the changing table, baby hangers, a folding laundry bin. He was going ham. 

Carpets was the section he spent the longest in. They spent almost 40 minutes feeling each one that was the correct size for the room. They even went as far as getting in between the samples and pretending to lie on them to see how soft and comfortable they were. Because they knew just how much time they would spend on the floor in that room with their baby. Tummy time, play time, just hanging out. They needed a good carpet. 

They selected one that was a light grey, it would be the colour they used to style the rest of the room. It was soft, it had a thin layer of memory foam under it and the materiel of itself was almost like a soft towel. It was thick enough to run their fingers through but perfect enough that the baby couldn’t put bits in her mouth. They put it in the cart. 

The last thing he grabbed was a cloud shaped night light. He remembered having the standard yellow moon one growing up. They still sold it there, but the cloud seemed perfect for her. She was the dream baby in his mind. Her pregnancy was going perfectly, he was financially sound for her, he was older and mentally okay for her. She was going to be as easy as a dream. 

They surprisingly had enough room for everything in the back of the Suburban. Three big boxes and a mattress at the back and bags of baby things in the middle seats, it was one hell of a haul. And they were there way later than they thought they would be. They didn’t end up getting home till around 6, just in time to make themselves a small dinner and bring everything in before the kids got home. 

They ended up sat back in the baby room. The carpet was rolled out and they were laying on it to flatten it out. The boxes were tilted against the walls where they wanted them to go eventually. Dan had hung the packs up hangers up in her closet, he placed all her clothes on the shelves in there as well. Knowing he’d had to give them a good wash before folding them and truly putting them away. 

The kids came home shortly after 8, Emily coming up and going right to her room without saying hi to anyone. They were used to it by now, she wasn’t always the happiest after school. Violet came up shortly after, Nick trailing behind her holding her hand, they walked into the baby room. 

“Holy shit.” she said, seeing everything in the room.

“We went a little mad at IKEA.” Dan agreed. “How are you nick?” he asked.

“Oh I’m good, we came up to ask if I could stay tonight and go to school with the girls in the morning?” he asked. He was very comfortable asking that now that he’d been over a lot. 

“Yeah, I don’t mind, Phil?” 

“I’m cool with it, just make sure not to be up late we all know how Violet is in the mornings.” he joked. 

“Thanks guys, we won’t be.” she said with a smile, “oh and can one of you talk to Em? She had a low day today, I tried making her feel better but something's wrong, I can tell.” she said. 

“Yeah I’ll go.” Phil said, getting up, still holding Dan’s hand he made him pull him up too. 

“Okay. Nick can I talk to Violet alone for a sec?” Dan asked.

“Sure thing, I’ll just wait in your room?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” she said, he kissed her cheek and left, Phil following. 

Dan closed the door to the room, “come sit.” They sat on the carpet together, “Isn’t it nice?” he asked, she nodded. “You guys are being safe right?” he asked, getting it out of the way. 

“Oh yeah, cause we haven’t done anything yet.” she said, they always had an honest and open relationship together that Dan cherished. 

He remembered her sitting on his bed all those years ago saying when she was 16 she could have sex. He didn’t expect to blink and have her actually be 16 with a boyfriend who was very handsome. But he had to make sure she was safe, he didn’t want her getting hurt. 

“Really? I thought you said you wanted to try it?” he asked.

“I kinda backed out last minute the last time we tried, I don't know, it’s just kinda scary to like commit to, like I want to but the thought of him seeing me naked is actually terrifying for some reason I don’t know how my friends do it.” she said honestly. 

“Yeah that part is pretty scary. But being honest, as a boy if a person you love is naked in front of you, you don’t see any flaw you’re just kinda really grateful that someone wants to share that with you.” 

“Yeah I guess that’s really cool and flattering.” she agreed.

Dan reached his hand out to touch hers on the carpet. “But I’m also proud of you for not being ready and backing out and I’m so happy he respected that.” 

“Thanks Dad, it’s really nice talking to you about this. Emily doesn’t let me talk to her. I really wanted to tell her what happened and how I was embarrassed and she just shut me out. She’s being really weird lately.” her face dropped, she seemed genuinely sad. Dan understood, they were so close it was like if he couldn’t tell Phil something.

“I’ll talk to her too later, see if she needs to see her therapist more.” he said softly. “But I’m also always here to talk. We can kick Phil out of the bed and have chats and sleep overs still if you need to.” 

“Thanks. I love you dad.” she said, reaching out to hug him.

Dan held her for a second, “I love you too hunny.” he whispered. 

She left and after a few minutes Phil still hadn’t come back. He got up and walked over to Emily’s room and knocked on the door. Phil opened it up, “hey can I come in?” he asked.

“Yeah, actually Dad can I talk to Dan alone?” Emily asked. 

“I guess.” Phil said, he kissed her forehead and then Dan’s cheek and left. 

“I heard you were feeling low today, do you want me to make you another therapy appointment?” Dan asked, sitting down on her bed beside her. 

“I’m gay.” she said, looking terrified. Tears streaming down her face, “I don’t know how to deal with this and I know you are like fully gay too so like I wanted to tell you and get some advice before I tell Dad.” 

“Come here first.” Dan said, opening his arms and holding her. He knew this was coming, it sucked as a parent to know and it sucked even more as the kid to hear that your parent suspected so he kept that thought to himself. “Whats her name? There’s always one person that sets off coming out like this.” 

She pulled back and looked at him, even more terrified than before, her lip was twitching. “Violet.” she said, her voice cracking and more tears falling down her cheeks.

It all made sense now. The attitude when Nick was around, the not talking to Violet about her relationship, the bad days at school. Everything. She was in love with her best friend who she couldn’t have and Dan understood that a little too well. 

“I’m sorry love.” he said, rubbing her shoulder.

“You’re not mad at me?” she said, a little shocked.

He was actually shocked at that comment, he tilted his head, “Why would I be?” 

“Cause she’s my step sister and your kid? I thought you’d be mad and think I’m disgusting and hate me.” she spat out. He could tell she had been overthinking this for a while. 

“No oh my god Emily I would never think that!” he replied. “Love is weird, you’ve grown up with her being your best friend and it’s normal to fall in love with your best friend, hell I was at one point too. And just cause I married your dad doesn’t mean that it’s disgusting for you to love my daughter like that. Your feelings are so valid.” he reminded her. 

She put her face in her hands and shook her head. “It’s just so hard seeing her with Nick every fucking day being all close and cute when she used to cuddle me on the couch and have sleepovers with me." she paused, she started to cry again, "I miss her.” 

“Okay so no boys this weekend.” he said, “The two of you can watch a movie and eat popcorn in here and have a girls weekend together. I’ll even buy you some wine if you want, you girls need to reconnect.” 

“Do I tell her? Will she be mad?” she asked.

“She might be a bit surprised. She loves you a lot but I’ll save you the heartbreak of finding out she’s very much straight unfortunately.” he said, smiling softly, he hated breaking her heart. 

“Okay. I might just tell her the lesbian part then and try to find someone else to like.” she frowned. 

“I can take you to an lgbtq meeting at the community centre on Wednesday to meet some gays in the area if you want?” Dan suggested.

“You’d do that for me?” 

“I’d do anything for you Emily, I love you a lot.” 

She smiled and hugged him. “I love you too Dan.” 

 

She told Phil next, and being the idiot he is he said “I always had a feeling.” Dan actually face palmed in the kitchen when he heard him say that, mouthing ‘I’m sorry for him’ to Emily in the lounge, making her giggle. She never told him about Violet however, which was okay. It would be their secret. 

Dan and Phil ended up cuddled on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn once she went back upstairs. They put on the newest season of The Good Place and settled into each other when Emily came right back down the stairs and sat on the opposite couch. She looked sad and uncomfortable. 

“What’s happened?” Dan asked.

“I think they are having sex and I want to kill myself.” she said. 

“Oh,” Dan said. That was fast. He didn’t expect her to suddenly change her mind and have sex that day. 

“What do we do? Should you go make him go home?” Phil asked, looking alarmed.

“No it’s fine, are you okay though are you really suicidal or was that a bad word choice?” he asked. 

“I’m fine sorry, just so uncomfortable.” she said.

“I don’t think this is right Dan, she shouldn’t be having sex in our home.” Phil said.

“My kid my rules remember,” Dan reminded him of the rule they made years ago. They weren’t allowed to discipline each others kids, only give advice. “And it’s fine. I rather her be here and doing it safely in her room than in the dark in the back of my car or in the woods or someone's basement at a party.” 

“I guess, but don’t you go getting any ideas.” Phil said, looking at Emily. 

“Ew dad, I just came out do you really expect me to go out and bring home some girl and have sex here?” she almost squealed she was so uncomfortable. 

“No, but still. No sex in the house when we’re all home please.” Phil said softly. 

Dan took his phone out. 

To: Violet  
From: Dan  
Be safe, have fun. Pee after and let me know if you need anything or to kick him out after lol. I love you <3 

They all settled back into their spots on the couches, they watched a few episodes in silence before Nick came downstairs to get some water and they all tried to ignore him. He had his shirt off, a big hickey on his neck that made Dan laugh. His phone buzzed in his lap.

To: Dan  
From: Violet  
Was very safe, had fun lol. We’re good thanks dad.  
Love you<3

He smiled. He had achieved the relationship with his kid he set out for the first time he held her in his arms. He vowed to be her best friend, her safe place and the person she could trust. He wanted to be everything to her that he didn’t have from his parents. He was doing a fucking good job. 

He smiled over at Phil, his eyes glossy. He winked. “I love you.” he whispered. 

“Love you more.” Phil replied. 

“And I love you both, I’m going to bed now. Thanks for tonight.” Emily said with a smile. 

“We love you too hun.” Phil said. They watched her walk to the stairs. “We’re good parents.” 

“The best.” Dan agreed. 

He cuddled back into Phil, resting his head on his shoulder. They didn’t have any work the next day, they just laid on the couch together, letting episode after episode pass while they sat in the dark room together. It wouldn’t be long till they did this with a small baby in a cot near them or a baby monitor on full blast beside them. Part of him wanted to relish in the moment, the rest of him looked forward to that.


	4. Chapter 4

“Growing a baby fucking sucks no wonder so many women get so mad at me.” Charlotte complained, leaning back in her chair with her hands on her belly. 4 months in and she was already this uncomfortable, Dan couldn’t imagine what she’d be like in labour.

They were at her work, she was introducing them to her coworker that she picked to be her doula and midwife. She had a whole birth plan that she created on her own, wanting to full experience the experience of birthing a child to sympathize with all the mums she’s put through hell and back. 

“Kristin is the best doula here, I love her and she works with me on most women. We’re a team.” she said, while Kristin shook their hands. “And Jen is the other midwife here, she is better than me but don’t let that get to your head hun.” It was clear that they all got along at work, they had a playful friendship that would make for a great birth. 

“Let’s get this ultrasound done so we can all get out of this room.” Jen said, “I know what your like in the heat not pregnant, so I don’t want to make it worse.” 

They put the jelly on her belly. It was starting to round out more and take the shape of the typical pregnant belly. The line under her belly button getting darker every time Dan saw it. The second that they went to touch her belly they saw their little girl. 

“There she is.” Charlotte smiled. “My beautiful goddaughter.” 

Dan laughed, they hadn’t even asked her. She appointed herself. But she was right, the baby was beautiful. She was so much less bean shaped and so much more human baby like. Her one arm tucked up under her head and her legs curled in. she was so cute just in 2D form, they weren’t ready to see her in real life yet. 

“We can do a 3D ultrasound to see her face more if you’d like?” Kristin offered, she was very quiet until then. She pushed her dirty blonde hair behind her ear and moved to push some buttons on the machine. 

The image changed from being black and white to sepia, and a up close and personal photo of their baby was on the screen. Dan felt himself start to get emotional, she had the cutest face he’d seen in a long time. 

“She has your lips.” Dan whispered so he wouldn’t cry. She had a small upper lip that was pointed at the cupids bow as well as a thicker bottom lip just like Phils. 

“And his alien head shape.” Charlotte said with a giggle. 

“Shut up.” Dan spat back. “I like his head shape.”

“I’m talking about the one on his shoulders Dan,” she said with a shit eating grin, “it’s not going to be cute when it’s coming out of my vagina. I’m going to have to give Kath props when I see her next.” 

He had to laugh, even when she was the most uncomfortable she was still making jokes about both him and his husband. “If you weren’t pregnant with my kid I’d fight you.” 

“I’d still kick your ass.” She claimed. 

“It’s nice to know she’s like this with everyone and not just secretly hating us.” Jen said, giggling away while she scrolled through the ultrasound and took screenshots for them. Getting to laugh and joke around with everyone was nice and calming, it made him think of how the atmosphere would be the day she gave birth. Which was the next topic they landed on. 

Charlotte took them to her office, her one wall full of photos of almost every baby she had delivered in her 10 years of being a midwife. There was a lot. She had them sit in the office chairs while she was behind the desk with another smile on her face. “So, I’ve finalized the birth plan.” 

“Okay.” Phil said, exaggerating the y and nodding his head as if to say ‘yeah and?’ 

“I’m thinking about doing it at home, having a water birth and everything cause those are easy on the mums but I want your approval cause the skin to skin after that I would do for calming her down is very intimate and I wouldn’t want to impose on your baby.” she explained. 

“If it’s what she needs then do it.” Dan said. 

“It’s so good for her to adjust to the world outside of me while being on my chest hearing my heartbeat and feeling me, it’s less traumatic for her.” Charlotte explained, and Dan already knew that. All the late night studying they did together had him remembering bits and pieces. 

Dan turned to Phil who was being quiet, “Phil?”

“I’m going to be honest, I know nothing. Iris just followed the basic NHS birthing class plan and did it in hospital with gas and air, she didn’t really talk much about it and the PPD after killed her, so I’m really just up for what keeps you both safe.” Phil explained, getting a bit emotional. 

Dan wrapped his arm around him and put his head on Phils shoulder, the armrest of the chair digging into his side while he got close to him. “We’re going to do everything we can to make sure these girls stay safe my love.” he whispered.

“You two are so gay.” Charlotte laughed. 

“Thank you.” Phil said with a cocky smile and a failed attempt at a wink that made them all laugh a little harder. 

-

At home they found Emily on the sofa, feet kicked up on the coffee table and her laptop in her lap and Bowie curled up beside her, not bothered by them coming home at all. “Hey, why are you home so early?” Phil asked. 

“Really wasn’t up for study group today so nanny brought me home.” she said lightly. 

“Oh,” Dan says, walking past her and into the bedroom down the hall. 

He vaguely hears Emily continue to speak and stays closer to the door to listen, “I can go upstairs if you guys were expecting to be home alone.” she said. 

“No, um no it’s fine we-” Phil tried to speak, and Dan could hear it in his voice that he was a bright shade of pink. 

“Yes! Go upstairs please!” Dan yelled back down the hall, making Emily laugh. 

Phil walked into the room and Dan was already shirtless, he had his pj’s laid out on the bed incase Phil actually didn’t want to use their free time for sex. It had been a few days since the last time and he rather do it at 2 in the afternoon than midnight, he’d have a little more power to get through it. 

He closed the door behind himself and locked it. “We can’t really have sex with her in the house.”

“Are they not here magically when we do it at night? He asked, getting closer to him and pinning Phil between him and the door. “Or all those times we quietly did it while they stayed up to watch TV on the weekends? Or that time we did it in the bathroom at your mums house?”

Phil grabbed him by the waist and flipped them around so Dan was against the door and immediately attacked his neck. Dan’s hands flew into his hair, taking a thick handful and holding it while he arched his back and gave Phil more room to kiss him. He sighed, it felt amazing being in Phi’s arms doing what they did best together. 

He felt down Dan’s chest, getting to his belt and undoing it. Even with the shaking hands, he managed to get it off, through all the loops and thrown to the floor. Keeping one hand in Phil’s hair, he let the other drop down his back so he could pull him in closer, sliding one of Phil’s jean clad legs between his own and pressing against him. 

It didn’t take him long to get hard, it never did and he had a feeling he always would be able to get hard at the drop of a hat around Phil. Phil’s hand palmed Dan’s cock through his jeans, pressing lightly against the material and dragging down while Dan tried to press more into him. 

“Off,” Dan said, watching Phil take a step backwards, one eyebrow raised. 

“I want to make this last, I haven’t had the chance to be fucked by you in the daylight in a long while.” he said, undoing his pants and pushing them to the ground. 

Phil took his shirt off too, throwing it to the floor and walking to the dresser in the corner of the room. It was like Christmas whenever Phil went to it, Dan never knew what he’d bring back some days. But today he turned around with just lube, and a condom.

“Put it back, I prepped this morning and I have nowhere to go tonight.” Dan said, and Phil just flung it back over his shoulder, not giving a fuck where it landed. It would be fun to find later.

Dan flugh their weighted duvet off the bed, leaving just the thin sheet. Sometimes they did it over the sheets and regretted it, some days dan loved to do it under the sheet tho. It was nice to wrap himself around Phil with the nice silky cold sheet over them. 

He pushed the sheets back, put a pillow under his back and watched Phil climb onto the bed. He settled himself between his legs, he placed the lube on Dan’s stomach, looking down at him with a giddy smile. Sex was still so fun for them, even after 5 years. Phil grabbed the sheets and pulled it over his shoulders to cover himself and settle down onto Dan more. 

“Hi.” he whispered. 

Dan put both his hands on Phil’s cheeks. “Hi.” he replied before kissing him. Pressing their lips together hard and breathing him in. 

Phil pulled away and smiled, grabbing the lube off Dan’s stomach and popping the cap. “I’m going to fuck you now.” 

“Oh good, here I was thinking we were making a fort.” Dan replied, a sassy tone and a cheesy grin plastered on his face. He was too in love for his own good. 

Phil was smiling just as much, he lubed up his fingers and warmed it with his other hand, “Shut the fuck up for once.” he said, wiping the excess lube off and opening Dan’s legs more to get at his entrance. 

“You love me.” 

Phil pushed in a finger, “unfortunately.” he said while Dan closed his eyes and tilted his head back. 

5 years of sex with that man and it still felt better each time. Something to do with him falling more in love the more he knew him and maybe the fact Phil just knew his body better and better each time they had sex. Either way, he was blessed to be married to a man like Phil. 

He settled himself comfortably to hover over Dan’s body while he fingered him, Dan felt him still inside him while he propped himself up with his other hand and laid his chest against Dan’s with his arm between them. He started to move again, pushing in a second finger and kissing Dan’s neck while he could. 

Dan moaned, he wasn’t vocal unless they were sure everyone was asleep or not around. He knew if Emily was smart, which she was, she’d have music on in her room to drown out anything. It also wasn’t like she’d hear it anyway being upstairs and across the house. So he let himself go a little. 

“Love you,” Phil whispered before sucking a mark onto him. “So much.” he continued. 

Dan couldn’t help but be cheeky today, he was too happy with everything happening in their life. “I’d hope so, I don’t let just anyone fuck me.” he said. 

Phil laughed into his neck, “Seriously, shut the fuck up.” he said before moving to kiss his mouth. 

Phil licked his bottom lip, wanting more. Dan opened up, letting their tongues work together. He felt up Phil’s naked back, his skin was silky soft like the sheets on top of them. Their mouths moved together in a rhythm they’d practiced religiously over the years. 

Dan hummed, Phil pulled back, “you good?” 

“Yeah, let me ride you.” Dan said.

They switched places, Phil lying down and Dan sitting on his legs with the sheets draped over his shoulders this time. He watched Phil lube himself up before he positioned himself above him. Slowly sinking down and taking it all in, he was still mesmerized by the feeling of his wonderful cock in his arse. 

He rested his body on Phil’s, putting his forearms on Phil’s shoulders and leaning in to kiss him once more. Phil pulled the sheet up and over their heads, hiding them in their own little world, then he wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and pulled him in close while Dan started to rock his hips a little. 

All smiles, a few breathy moans and a lot of kisses. The birds outside were chirping, the light in the room was a beautiful afternoon yellow that cast over them under the grey sheets. It was just them in the little world they made together, one that fell together somehow all because they were horny and lonely one night over 5 years ago. 

He arched his back,switching the angle to get more pleasure out of their exchange. In doing so, he pulled away from Phil’s mouth, panting up into the air while Phil pulled him in closer again. He kissed Dan’s neck and collarbones while Dan ran his fingers through his hair gripping it tight and controlling where Phil kept his mouth. 

They heard the front door slam, followed by Violet yelling for her dad. “We’re a bit busy!” he called back wanting to actually shrivel up and die. 

She was stood at the other side of his door now, “well, when you’re done fucking please come talk to me.” she yelled through the door. 

He dropped his head down to Phil’s shoulder while Phil laughed, “guess we gotta make it quick after all.” he said. 

“Shut up.” Dan giggled back. 

He sat up more, throwing the sheet back and steadying himself with his hands on Phil’s chest. He bucked his hips, riding him with more vigure than before, wanting to make it good while having to finish fast. Phil had tilted his head back at the feeling, his adams apple sticking out so far Dan wished he had the time to pay more attention to it. 

“Wait, wait.” Phil said and he stopped.

“What?” 

“Switch I want to be able to pull out so you don’t have to clean up.” Phil said softly. 

Dan huffed, rolling off him and lying on his stomach. “I hate that you’re logical sometimes.” 

Phil got back on top of him, he pushed back in and got close to Dan’s ear once more, “yeah but you also love how hard I can fuck you this way.” he practically growled. 

He wasn’t wrong, there was something about the angle, the arch of his ass and the way Phil could pound the life out of him that made that position better. Phil picked up the pace, fucking into him harder than before, hitting his spot dead on and shaking the bed so hard it was hitting the wall. They didn’t care, it felt to good to care. 

He was gripping the sheets, he shoved a pillow into his mouth so he didn’t scream every time Phil his his prostate but he really wanted too, he was so close he felt like he was going to explode, in more ways than one. 

He was so close he couldn’t breath, Phil kept fucking into him harder and harder till his orgasm eventually bursted out of him. He was coming into the sheets, he let out a moan, breathing heavily into the pillow he could hear his heartbeat and feel the blood rushing to his head. He wasn’t expecting that today. 

Phil pulled out last minute, jerking himself off over Dan’s ass and back, he felt the hot splash before Phil crashed onto the bed beside him. They were a panting mess, Dan literally felt light headed from the amount of breathing he was and wasn’t doing in such a short time. His head was spinning, his thighs were shaking, he hadn’t felt a surge that powerful in a long while. 

“Let me clean you up.” Phil said, recovering faster and going to the bathroom. 

He heard Phil running the water in the bathroom, returning with a wet hand towel. He climbed onto the bed and wiped him down. Getting the excess lube off the crack of his ass and making him roll over so that he could clean off his stomach before cleaning himself up. He probably didn’t want to be sticky for the rest of the day either. 

Dan got up and put on a pair of pants, his trackies and a shirt. He fixed his hair in the mirror, noticing that Phil managed to put a hickey right at the base of his neck where everyone would see it. That would be fun to hide for work. 

“Hello, where are you?” he called as he stepped out of their bedroom. 

Violet came running down the hall and crashed into him, she was crying her eyes out. “Hey, hey what’s wrong?” 

She was just crying in his arms, he’d never seen her like that. He ran his fingers through her hair trying to calm her but it didn’t work. He picked her up and walked with her in to the lounge, he sat down on the couch and let her cry it out on his chest. “You can tell me anything sweetheart, I love you so much what’s wrong?” 

“I’m so sorry.” she said, her sobs getting harder. 

His heart sank to his stomach, he was beyond worried. “Are you hurt? What happened hun?” 

“I was stupid and we weren't careful and I might be pregnant.” she whispered.

Fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this chapter has some heavy themes. possible pregnancy, remembering a suicide attempt in small detail, and vomiting. i've added all these as trigger warnings in the tags but just in case you forgot here is another warning, please be safe and enjoy the chapter <3

He couldn’t believe it, it was as if Sarah was back. 16 and possibly pregnant crying into his chest. At least she would have if it wasn’t him who knocked her up. But now their baby was 16, crying over the fact she might be pregnant. 

“When did it happen.” he asked softly, he wasn’t mad. It was that typical dad thing of being just disappointed. 

“This afternoon, we had a free period so we went to his place and the condom broke and I’m just so ashamed of myself please don’t hate me I could get like an abortion or something.” she sobbed. 

He cupped her face with his hands, “Hey, if it happened just this afternoon we’ll go get you the morning after pill, we can go to boots right now come on.” 

“Wait really?” she said, surprised.

“Yeah you have like forty eight hours after sex to take it and it’ll kill your egg before it gets fertilized or something, Louise did a story time on when she took it once. We’ll ask the pharmacist everything.” he explained, “Go put your shoes on I’ll grab the keys.” 

He popped back into his bedroom first to grab his running shoes, Phil was ripping the sheets from the bed, “We’re running into boots, she needs the morning after pill.” he said. 

“What?” Phil gasped. 

“I’ll explain later, right now I need to make sure she’s okay. Don’t yell at your kid but I think she was home covering for mine to go out and sleep with her boyfriend.” he said, he sighed and slipped his feet into his shoes. 

“Do we need to have a family discussion?” Phil asked.

“Maybe. I’m just glad she trusted me enough to come tell me first and no one else right now.” 

“Yeah I get that, go help here. Love you and drive safe.” Phil replied, taking all the bed clothes in his arms and walking over to kiss him one last time. 

They sat in his mini in silence for a few minutes, driving down the road to the same boots he took her to to get her first pads, and her first foundation, and now her first and hopefully the last morning after pill he’d ever have to buy her. “I’m not mad.” he said.

“I know I just feel like an idiot.” she confessed. 

“I’m glad you’re being safe and that you trusted me to tell me but I’m a bit disappointed that you snuck off to his place instead of study group to go and have sex. And not because you were having sex but because you didn’t tell me that’s where you were going.” he explained. It was always easier to talk in a car, he didn't have to look at her while he explained his feelings. “I like to know where you are, I like to know that on a weekday afternoon you are at the Starbucks by the tram downtown having coffee and studying with your sister and boyfriend. I don’t like you lying to me.” 

“I’m sorry.” she said, crying softly. 

“Next time, if you have a free period and you want to go be with him, text me. All you have to say is like hey dad going to Nick’s tonight after school would you like me home for dinner and I’d reply like we’re making curry I know you like his mums cooking better so pick where you want to eat and let me know.” he lightened the mood, making her laugh a little. 

She smiled over at him, “I love you. Thank you for not screaming at me or hating me.” 

“When have I ever been one to yell at you in anger?” he asked.

“I know, I just really over thought it.” 

“I love you a lot, and if we ended up with two babies in the house next year it wouldn’t be the end of the world, it would be hard on you but I’d support you.” he replied softly. Putting his hand out for hers to hold. “Don’t tell Phil or Emily or even the new one but, I will always love you and put you first cause you’re my baby.” 

“Thank you dad, I love you too.” 

The Pharmacist gave Violet the pill she needed, told her exactly what to expect over the next few days, and what to expect on her next period when it came. Dan let her talk to him, ask him questions and understand it all, he stood behind her for support but let her be responsible for what happened. He paid the £25 for it. While she walked around the store getting snacks for the night and some other things she needed, Dan sent a text to Charlotte. 

To: Lottie  
From: Dan  
Can you get the GP to make a prescription for Violet for the pill without her having to come in? We’ve had A Day™...

To: Dan  
From: Lottie  
Shit,,,, plan b?

To: Lottie  
From: Dan  
Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Wasn’t her fault, or his. Shit happens but she’s safe and that’s all i care for. Can you get it and bring it to the boots near my place? I know your office closes in 30

To: Dan  
From: Lottie  
Yeah of course! I was about to leave early, I’ll go get Dr. Pruit to write one quick, he’s nice. 

To: Lottie  
From: Dan  
I appreciate it a lot.

Violet came back with a basket full of things, Finding Dan sat at the blood pressure meter near the pharmacy. “Ready to go?” she asked.

“Nope, we have to wait for Charlotte. She’s bringing you a prescription for the pill.” Dan said, awkward smile on his face. 

“Oh. I thought you were okay with me not wanting to go on it?” Violet said, sounding sad.

“Don’t you think it’s better for both of us and Nick to have that extra precaution so we don’t have this anxiety again?” he explained. 

She sighed, “yeah. I just don’t want to go through what Emily went through.” 

Sometime last year, when Emily was 15, she went through a rough patch. She started taking birth control to regulate her period more, Charlotte and their family doctor assured them it would be good for her. They already knew she had a small bit of anxiety, she had a hard time with school and people, what they didn’t know was that hormonal contraceptives put most woman at a 70% greater risk for developing depression, and having it run in her family didn’t help. 

Dan felt like shit for not knowing, he felt even fucking worse when they found out. Being a counsellor and not seeing the signs that his step-child was depressed and suicidal made him question his practice. But apart from him feeling bad for himself, he watched Phil cry himself to sleep in his arms because he couldn’t handle thinking about losing her the way he lost her mother. 

“If you get suicidal from it, we will stop.” he whispered. “You have to come and talk to me if you feel different, we’ll never let that happen to you. And you and I have a different relationship than Emily and Phil have. You already tell me everything, you wont keep it from me till its too late.” 

“Okay.” she said with a small smile.

To: Dan  
From: Lottie  
On my way over. Katie wants to know how long I’ll be with you cause she’s driving me

To: Lottie  
From: Dan  
Want to come over tonight? We can order a few pizzas and have a family night?

To: Dan  
From: Lottie  
Hell yeah, see you in 15

 

Back home, Phil was in the Laundry room folding towels. Dan went in there and closed the door behind him, leaning against it. “Hello my love.” Phil said softly, smiling at him. 

“Sorry we took so long.” he said, sighing after.

Phil leaned against the machines and opened his arms, “It’s okay, come here.” 

Dan stepped into his arms, letting Phil hold him while he just sank into his form. He smelt good, his hair was slightly wet on the side of Dan’s head where they met. He just held him, “Lottie and Katie are here.” he whispered. 

“Okay.” Phil whispered back, holding him tighter. 

There was a bang on the door, Dan almost jumped out of his skin before it flung open. “Hello stop being gross and order the pizza I’m pregnant and starving!” Charlotte said. 

Phil kept him in his arms, “you offered, you can’t make it my fault you’re pregnant when you literally signed a form to say you wanted to get pregnant for us.” Phil replied, listening to them joke around always made him happy. His best friends being friends was a gift. 

“You order and I’ll pay, please just let me hug my sadness away.” Dan replied, not pulling away from Phil at all. 

“You want that half and half sizzler and texas barbecue?” she asked. 

“Beef no chicken.” they both replied. Dan smiled and Phil held him tighter, rubbing his hand on his back. 

“You know I’m kidding when I make fun of you right? I actually love that you have each other and this little girl will have you too.” she said. 

“Now you’re being gross, go order the pizza.” Phil replied, Dan could hear the smile in his voice. 

She left quietly. Closing the door behind her, Dan finally pulled back from Phil to look at him. “I had Lottie get Vy a prescription for the pill.” he said.

“Oh,” he breathed out. 

Dan leaned in and kissed the sadness off his face, “I’m going to keep the closest eye on her.”

He smiled, “Keep her safe, I love her a lot too.” 

“and I had a good chat with her in the car about everything. Did you talk to Em?” 

“She actually didn’t feel good and had no idea she even went to Nick’s house.” Phil confirmed, Dan had a feeling she didn’t know either, and that she wouldn’t have agreed to it anyway with her little crush.

“I told her off for the lying, pulled the I’m just disappointed card and everything.” he said with a smile.

“Oh my god you’ve reached full dad now.” Phil giggled back, leaving a kiss on his nose after. 

“After supper and everything can we have a talk about the new one? It kinda hit me earlier that we parent our separate kids so differently that we’ve never talked about how we’re going to co parent the same child.” Dan confessed. 

It was a weird topic but they had to talk about it. He knew Phil didn’t understand his open and free relationship with Violet, he was a hover parent most likely from the trauma which was valid, but Dan could never be like that. Dan loved the secret-less relationship he had with Violet, telling her what she wanted to know, being honest about how the world worked and being there for her when she needed literally anything, obviously. He loved being her person, someone she could see as a best friend first and trust more than anyone else and letting her learn from her mistakes rather than being angry, yelling and grounding her.

Not that Phil was that type of parent, but he was definitely not as open with Emily. In their 5 years of living together Emily had come to Dan for advice more than she went to her father, knowing that Dan would be the one to tell her stuff straight up while Phil would beat around the bush thinking she wasn’t ready to know things. 

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. But being honest I don’t think it’s going to be a long and deep conversation. I want to have a relationship with her like you have with Violet. I want her to be closer to me. I know it’s not her fault she’s closed off, and I know I’m not the most open either but I want to be more like you.” Phil confessed right back. 

It always happened like that, Dan would open up about something he was thinking about and Phil would have a similar opinion that he was keeping to himself the whole time. Their minds working together in sync even without words shared, just another thing that confirmed that they were meant together in Dan’s mind. 

“I love you.” Dan whispered. Phil pulled him in closer, whispering close to his mouth that he loved him more before kissing him.

Back in the living room, Katie was sitting at the table with the girls. It was still a little crazy for Dan to see her with his kid after all these years. She had been Charlotte's girlfriend in college, she left to go teach in Australia a year before him and Lottie graduated, leaving her and breaking her heart. 

They had a really rough patch together those few years between his depression, Violets toddler tantrums and Charlotte being heartbroken.

She came back to England in the summer of 2020, messaging Charlotte immediately. Dan had never seen her more excited in his life, they got married a few months after. It was nice seeing her fully happy with Katie.

She was everything Charlotte wasn’t; composed, polite, quiet. She was her polar opposite and that was probably the reason they got on so well. She was what Lottie needed to feel complete. She was to her what Phil was to him. And all together they were one big happy family. 

Violet was beside Charlotte, feeling her belly. Her face was looking completely shocked, his little girl must have been kicking. “This is the weirdest part for me right now. Like I’ve seen eight pound babies roll over completely in someone's stomach but to feel her move inside of me is so crazy.” 

Dan snuck up behind her chair, “does it make you want to have your own?” he asked, putting his hands on her shoulders. 

She let out a shocked sound as he touched her, “No. After her I’m not opening my womb up to anyone new.” 

“I want to have our baby one day.” Katie said. 

“I know a really good sperm donor.” Dan joked and Charlotte reached up to smack his hand on her shoulder.

“Shut up.” she laughed, “We’re gonna get some Chris Hemsworth like athletic adonis sperm donor and have the most beautiful baby in the world.”

“Good luck with that cause I’m pretty sure me and Dan have held the record for prettiest baby almost three times now.” Phil chipped in from the kitchen making them all laugh. 

 

Phil lied back in the bed with a huff. Patting his stomach so that Bowie would come over and lay her head on him while resting between them. Dan sat up on his computer, scrolling through reddit and looking at all the things he missed during his hectic day that felt more like three days mashed into one. “Pass me the remote?” Phil said softly. 

Dan handed it to him and watched over his laptop screen as Phil put on another rerun of Friends. They’d probably watched the whole series 9 times together. He didn’t have to watch along, he just listened and giggled at all the same jokes he knew and loved. 

It was around midnight, he didn’t have an appointment till 1pm the next day so he could stay up if he so wished, but the day he had took all his energy away. He closed his laptop and put it in his night table drawer. He slid down the sheets, pulling them over his shoulders and leaned his head against Bowie’s cute little corgi butt. 

She turned her head from Phil’s stomach to lick Dan’s forehead. “Thank you.” he said to her softly while petting her. 

“Dad!” they heard one of the girls yell. 

They sat up, Bowie yelping at the sudden movement. Dan threw the sheets off, slipping back into his track pants he ran from the room and up the stairs two at a time. “What?” 

“Violet's puking.” Emily said in a panic.

In the bathroom he saw his little girl sat on the bathroom floor, leaning her head over the bowl. “Get me a hair bobble please.” Dan said to Emily.

He sat down on the floor beside her, rubbing her back and pulling her hair from her face. “Hey I’m right here, it’s okay. The Pharmacist said this could happen.” he whispered. 

Emily handed him a hair tie over his shoulder, “thank you.” he said to her. He gathered her hair and pulled it all into a messy bun on the top of her head. He kept rubbing her back as she let it all out. 

She sat up and flushed the toilet a few times, wiping her mouth with the toilet roll each time. It was a cycle of puke, clean up and flush that made his heart ache for her. He hated seeing her like this. 

Dan looked over his shoulder to see out the door Emily and Phil were sat against the wall in the hallway. Emily’s head on her dad’s shoulder and Bowie in his lap. It was a midnight bathroom party. 

“I think I’m done.” she whispered. leaning back and falling into his chest. He just held her, left a kiss on the top of her head and kept holding her. 

He let out a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s get you back into bed, no school tomorrow for you.” 

“Okay, let me brush my teeth.” she said, waiting for him to stand up and help her to her feet as well. 

Emily was asleep on Phil’s shoulder, Phil had his head resting against hers now but he smiled up at Dan. “get her into bed, I’m going to make sure Violet is okay.” 

Phil nodded, shooing Bowie off his lap and reaching to nudge Emily back to consciousness. Dan walked with Violet down the hall into her room. She slid under her sheets and moved over to the far side of her bed against the wall. “Can you stay for a bit.” she asked softly. 

“Of course.” 

She cuddled up into him, throwing an arm around his waist. She was quiet for a moment, he went to press a kiss to the top of her head when he heard her start to cry. Her body was going through hell, her mind was trying to keep up and she was just done. The amount of stress Dan felt from the day was nothing compared to what was going on with her. 

“I love you sweetheart.” he whispered into her hair, leaving a kiss afterword. She was already half asleep, he rubbed his hand up and down her back softly till he felt her weight change on him, she was fully out and almost snoring on him. 

Phil peaked his head in the room, seeing Dan cuddled into bed with her, he quietly walked over to the bed. He put his hand on Dan’s cheek, “stay here, I love you and I’ll come wake you guys in the morning okay.” he whispered.

“Kiss me before you leave.” he whispered back up at Phil. 

He leaned down and pressed his lips to Dan’s softly. Then both cheeks, his nose, chin and forehead. He covered all the spots he loved, the same way he did all those years ago before he left him for the day. It was tradition for Phil to do that before leaving him for a short period of time, and it never failed to put a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me how you feel about the fic so far, here or on twitter (deathielhowell) or on tumblr (emilysshook) <3 thank you for reading ily


	6. Chapter 6

Dan took the day off, he dropped the girls off at school so he could have his car and he went to buy some paint. He waited till the summer heat had disappeared to paint, so he could open the windows for it to air dry while being able to stand the heat without the air conditioner. 

The 6 weeks the girls had off was finally over, while it was nice having them home during the day it was also his least favorite time. He hated seeing them going out and having fun and not being able to join in. Going down to get a glass of water between clients and not being able to sit on the sofa with them and watch a movie was agonizing, but he made it through like he always did. 

The mid September air on his face felt nice, he hadn’t driven alone in a long while. But he wasn’t really alone, Bowie was in the passenger seat all hooked into her harness and seatbelt, also taking in the mid September air. Tongue out and all, she watched the cars go by while they made their way to the shops. 

Pulling into the lot she was wagging her tail like mad, waiting for Dan to hook up her leash. He put it on and picked her up, resting her in his one arm. He rolled up the windows and opened the door, his car was low enough to the ground that he felt the asphalt, it was a little too hot for her little paws so he carried her to the entrance. Setting her down on the cold linoleum of the garden centre that also happened to sell paints and dog toys. It was a store Dan got stuck in a lot when he went out, whether it was the girls looking at room things or Phil trying to buy more plants to kill, or Bowie having a hard time making a decision on treats. 

Dan wanted a paint to match the carpet, and the best way to do that in his mind was to cut a piece of the fluffy towel-like stand from a corner off, thinking he’d hide that part under her crib so no one saw the small piece missing. They walked right over to the paint section and he stared at all the grey options, putting his carpet piece close to the samples till he found the right one. A nice muted grey that was different from the girls rooms, Violets was a light almost white and Emily’s was very dark with almost a bluish undertone. This colour was a good middle. Significant to her relationship to them all by accident. She was the middle ground in their lives. 

The nice woman behind the counter smiled at him as he turned around with the paint colour. “All ready love?” she asked.

“I think so, do you think these match well?” he asked, laying it on the counter. 

“Oh yes, they’re a perfect match.” she said with a smile. “What type of paint would you like?” 

“An eggshell matte please.” he said with a smile. 

“I’ll get to mixing, it’ll be done in about ten minutes.” she said softly. 

He thanked her and left to look at the room decor, it was almost like a hardware store with homemade and rustic looking decorations. Small throw pillows with chickens sewn onto them, metal accents for walls that looked like stars and something that caught his eye. A set of 3 shelves that looked like clouds, the same size, if not bigger, than the night light they got her. The white wood similar to the crib and changing table they got. He picked it up and went to grab a buggy. He sat Bowie in where the kids are supposed to sit so that she didn’t get her foot or tail caught under a wheel, she just sat there looking at him with her tongue out while he looked around the store. 

The next thing that he saw that he took interest in was a mobile. It was all homemade, hanging on a circular piece of wood, everything hanging from it was made of felt, clouds and hot air balloons all pink, light blue and white. Perfect for their little girl. He put it in the cart gently as well, making sure it didn’t tangle. 

The last thing he saw in the aisle was a bunch of painted white letters, he knew he wanted to put her initials on the wall, he knew he’d have to buy and L but other than that they had no idea what her name was. If it was only Dan’s decision again her name would be something Margaret Lester. He’d probably have to hold her like he did with Violet to know what her first name was, but this time he also had to take into consideration the names Phil wanted. They still really hadn’t talked about that. 

He picked up his paint with a few new rollers and trays, paid, and drove all the way home again. His plans for the day where to get a base coat on the walls and see if it needed more. Maybe he’d even start building the crib if he had time. 

In her room he put the bags of things down, he moved things to the middle of the room and pushed some into the hallway so he had enough room to paint without an obstacle course around him. Somehow one baby required a million boxes and things, but he didn’t mind spoiling her too much.

Phil came home from work that morning a lot earlier than his normal time. He walked up the stairs and towards the baby room, Dan hadn’t even finished one wall yet by the time he was coming up the stairs. His footsteps sounded hard, like he needed to get where he was going and quick. 

He walked right in and wrapped his arms around Dan’s upper body, “hi.” he said. 

“Why are you home?” he asked.

Phil let go of him, “I can go back to work.” he jokes. 

“No idiot I’m just wondering why so early?” 

“They’re shutting down the Manchester office in a few months. So I might be officially unemployed soon.” he said with a soft smile on his face, he looked sad inside but trying to combat it with a smile for Dan. “I found out last Thursday and I didn’t say anything cause I wanted to get something together before then and you’re going to be shook.” 

“Phil, it’s twenty twenty three, don’t ever say shook again.” he said with a giggle, “but what do you mean had something together?” 

“Well, I called Louise and asked her if she still had any connections at her old book publishers.” he said softly. 

“Okay.” Dan said, following along but still not knowing where it could be going. 

“So she hooked me up, and I have an interview to work in their editing department here in Manchester.” 

“Will they still let you take leave if you just started working there?” Dan asked, really only thinking about the baby and all the plans they had for Phil to be off the first year with him. 

“That’s the thing,” he starts, and Dan’s stomach drops for a moment, followed by his shoulders and his facial expressions. He’s looking as sad and disappointed as possible. 

“I’d get to work from home.” 

Excitement sprouted from where the disappointment once was in him, “What?”

“It’s not and office job. They send me books, I read and edit them here and send them back with notes. It’s perfect.” Phil explained, a big smile on his face. 

“That’s perfect oh my god!” Dan cheered, pulling him into a hug forgetting he had holding the paint roller and getting it on Phil’s shirt. 

“I thought so, cause all I do in our free time is read anyway so doing that during the day while you’re talking to clients for the next three months won’t be too hard and then I can edit while holding a baby.” Phil explained more, still holding onto him and not caring that Dan got a good amount of paint on his shirt. 

“So when’s the interview?” Dan asked.

“Wednesday.” Phil replied. 

“That gives you enough time to help me paint. Grab a brush Lester.” he joked.

 

Standing in the shower that night he had more paint in his hair than he ever thought possible. Using it as an excuse for Phil to shower with him and let him know if all the paint is out and knowing full well that Phil would take any excuse to run his fingers through Dan’s hair. Double shampooing it for him and slicking it back with some conditioner. 

“I know we’re in the shower as we speak but, can we have a bath?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded with a smile growing on his face, “I’d love that.” 

It was dark outside, the girls were in their rooms, Bowie was lying on the carpet in the bathroom. So much had changed in his life since the first time Phil asked him to have a bath with him. He left the shower, not bothering to wrap himself in a towel knowing he’d just be wet again soon. Turning on the tap, he felt the water to gage the temperature and rinse the dust from the tub before putting the plug in. 

He watched it slowly start to fill while Phil was sat on the edge in a towel, just staring at him. Dan felt butterflies float in his stomach as Phil looked him up and down. He knew he was loved, but being reminded that Phil loved him always made his stomach twist. It felt silly to still be so madly in love with him now that they had been together this long, but, it just meant they had a happy love that was going to last them a long time. 

“Bath bomb?” he asked.

“Hmmm, something sweet. Do you have the rose one still?” 

He reached into his basket, the rose one sitting on the top of all of them. “Get in.” Dan ordered, holding the bath bomb in his hands to plunk it in after Phil got situated. Watching it fuzzy up, turning the water a light pink and releasing rose petals to the surface of the water. Dan dimmed the lights and set out the towels before getting in himself. 

Right in his usual spot, between Phil’s legs which his back to Phil’s chest. It was the best. He sighed as he settled in, relaxing into the hot water, quietly they sat together and watched the rest of the tub fill. Turning off the water when it was high enough, but turning the jets on it its place. A light pressure of the jets hitting their sides, it was almost spa like. 

It felt good on the bad days, when they were stressed out or tense, but it felt even more amazing when they had a good day together. When they could bask in nothing but happiness together. The warm water surrounding them, Phil’s body wrapped around him, his lips on Dan’s ear and the back of his neck. The only thing that was hot about the setting was the water.

“Love?” Phil whispered against his ear. “What are you thinking about?” he asked, running his hands up and down Dan’s arms.

“I love you.” Dan replied, turning his head ever so slightly so that he could kiss him. 

Phil kissed him back softly, pulling away ever so slightly to respond, “I love you more.” 

Dan shook his head, “never.” he whispered before smiling into another kiss. He pulled back and away from Phil’s chest, moving to sit at the other end of the tub and look down at him. “We need to talk.” he said seriously, trying to playfully scare him. 

Phil just smiled at him,”what’s on your mind Lester?” 

Dan felt that one in his stomach, he still wasn’t used to being called that after 3 years of marriage. He kept his straight face, “we need to talk baby names. She’s nameless and we have three months left.”

“That’s lots of time.” Phil replied.

“You know how we already have kids who grew up suddenly in the blink of an eye? Three months is not lots of time.” 

“Paisley.” Phil replied.

Dan was a bit thrown off that he had a name so quick, “That was fast.” 

“When we were deciding names for Emily, Iris and I loved her name and it was an easy pick but after her and before her depression when I asked if we could have another baby I really liked the names Paisley and Alice for some reason, they really just stuck out for me and this baby just feels like a Paisley in my heart.” Phil explained. It was always weird hearing about his life before Dan.

“Hmm, Paisley Margaret Lester.” Dan said, a smile growing on his face. “That’s our daughters name.” 

Phil smiled back and moved in the water so that he was now resting his back on Dan’s chest. “Wow it didn’t take much convincing.”

“I knew I wanted Margaret and you knew you wanted Paisley and so that’s her name.” he said, cradling Phil in his arms and wrapping his legs around him. “Doesn’t it just sound right? Our little girl, Paisley Margaret Lester.” 

“I can’t wait to meet her.” Phil replied.

Dan could. He wanted her to grow as much as possible inside his best friend, he wanted her to be nice and strong, a good 6 pound baby like both Emily and Violet were. He wanted to finish her room, spend time alone with Phil, get more supplies and be fully ready to do this all again. The long nights, the stressful days, the colds and the fevers and the sad crying. He needed to prepare to do it again, he was scared to do it again even with a support system larger than a football team.

Dan rested his head back against the tub, Phil tilted his back more on Dan’s shoulder to look up at him. His eyes were soft, that beautiful blue he could get lost in but felt completely safe looking into. Like the sea of tranquility. He brought a wet wrinkled hand up to cup Phil’s cheek and guide him into a kiss. 

His soft bottom lip fit perfectly between Dan’s two chapped ones, just holding it there. Phil rolled over so he was stomach to stomach with Dan now, Dan still wrapped all around him. Phil kissed his lips again and then his cheeks, his forehead and his nose. “Let’s go to bed.”

“Bed bed?” Dan asked with a cheeky wink.

“Hmm, sex sounds good,” Phil said, carefully making his way to his feet, “but I’m also tired.”

Phil wrapped himself in a towel and put a hand out to hold Dan’s as he got out of the tub. “Well, orgasms are good for helping you fall asleep.” Dan reminded him. 

“What kinda sex were you thinking because I don’t want to do a lot of work tonight.”

Dan laughed, “when do you want to do a lot of work? Huh?” he said, pulling the plug out of the tub, Phil smacked him on the ass while he was leaned over. “Hey?”

“Be nice to me or no orgasms for you.”

“I don’t need your help. I was fine on my own for years.” Dan joked.

“Okay.” Phil said, kissing his cheek and turning to leave. “Have fun I’m going to bed.” 

The playfulness was the funniest part before sex, it made the sex even better when they were a bit dorky before hand. Dan knew he was kidding and he knew the Phil knew he was also kidding. And above all he knew if he actually went out there and started masturbating Phil wouldn’t be able to just sleep, he’d join in. and for some reason, that made him smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a small chapter today, i was going to make it super long but that would mean a longer wait, hope you like it <3

It was Phil’s idea. All the stupid things Dan got himself into were Phil’s ideas. “What if she goes into labour while we’re away?” 

Phil had already told him off a million and one times for complaining and thinking of the worst case scenarios. He closed his suitcase lid and walked over to Dan who was staring down into his empty one. 

Phil gripped his upper arms and turned turned Dan to face him, “We’ve been over this, it’s the first week of November and she’s not due until January. The baby will not come while we’re away for ten days. And if she does we fly right home. But she wont.”

He sighed, deep down he knew it was going to be fine but leaving both his kids and having one on the way was scary. 

“So many couples do this now, babymoons are so popular for women who are six or seven months pregnant, but luckily for us we get to go have this vacation with no pregnant belly getting in the way of all the activities we’re going to do.” 

“I know. I’m just a worrier when it comes to the people I love Phil.” he said with a small smile. 

“And the people you love will all be together if anything does happen, it would suck if we missed the birth yes but she’d be surrounded by my family and our kids.” Phil assured him, once again.

He just nodded, he knew Phil was right, he wouldn’t be caught saying it however. “I don’t even know where we’re going yet.” he said, changing the topic. 

“Somewhere sunny, with beaches and cocktails and,” he said, pausing to run his hands down Dan’s torso and to his hips, pulling him in nice and close. “A nice private place for us to do whatever we want.”

“I think,” Dan said, swallowing to make his mouth less dry, “I think that sounds good.” 

“Mmhmm, nine days” he whispered, getting close to Dan’s neck and kissing it. “And eight nights in our own little airbnb,” kissing up to his jaw. “All alone with no kids and no neighbours and nothing to distract us.”

“If you don’t stop I’m not going to be able to pack.” Dan said, fighting the urge to let Phil take him right then and there. 

Phil pulled back with a smile, “oh? So now you want to pack?” 

“You’re a dick.” Dan said, shoving him off and going back to the edge of his bed.

“Yeah and we all know you love dick.” he replied with a cheeky smile, sticking his tongue out of the corner. 

“What if I decided to partake in no nut November instead, really ruin your plans for this next week.” Dan spat back. 

Phil just laughed, a deep hysterical laugh that was over done from how insane the idea was. “I’d like to see you try. You have the sex drive of a teenager.” 

“Shut up and pack.” 

 

He sighed, settling back into his plane seat. A plane he would be on for the next 21 hours straight because Phil was taking him all the way to Australia. They texted the kids one last time before take off to say they were leaving and they loved them. His vacation had officially started. 

He’d never spent more than a few days away from Violet. His mother took her for a weekend when he went to Reading Festival in 2010, Phil’s mum took the kids when they wanted a weekend away. But 10 full days of them being away and without children was going to mark the first time since he was 16 that he didn’t have responsibilities. 

The girls were staying with Phil’s mum, Charlotte was still working but taking it easy. Everyone was okay at home and he was going to let himself take some time. He hadn’t been able to relax on a beach since the last Florida vacation almost a year ago. He was going to sit at the beach and take in the sun, he was going to swim and float all his worries away. He was going to have sex in a house where no one else was and fully enjoy himself. 

Phil had splurged just a little, saying if they were going to be taking a 21 hour flight they might as well be comfortable. The seats they got were called ‘upper class pods’ and were essentially nice long bed like seats that faced on another in the middle aisles so they could talk the whole ride. It was a lot better than when they stuck their long legs in the tiny business class seats, they agreed that they deserved to be pampered this trip.

Phil was across from him, he had his neck pillow on and an eye mask to cover his eyes. He was known to sleep most of the flight and spend the rest of the time trying to talk to Dan, claiming he was bored. While Dan spent the first half watching movies and listening to new music only to have his sleep interrupted by Phil. and as much as it pissed his grumpy self off, he loved him too much to be truly bothered. 

He loaded up the new Radiohead album to listen to it while they took off, it would take up his first hour of the flight. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the seat, resting his body and letting himself get into it fully. He was on vacation starting now. 

 

He woke up a few hours later to Phil shaking his leg. “Hey sleepy, you’ve been out for hours.” Dan just huffed, closing his eyes again and trying to go back to sleep. “We have thirteen hours left, do you want to watch some movies with me?” Phil asked.

“Let me wake up.” Dan said softly. He was never able to just wake and go like Phil, it took his body a minute to get used to the consciousness again. 

The stewardess was walking down the aisle as he was coming to, “excuse me?” he asked.

“Yes dear?” the beautiful Australian woman answered. 

“Could I possibly have a water and diet coke?” he asked, his throat dry from sleep and the altitude. 

“Sure thing love I’ll be right back.” she said with a smile. 

He sat up more and put his phone on the side table that separated him and Phil. he got up and moved to sit on the opposite end, so him and Phil could watch the same screen in the middle. “Old or new?” he asked Phil.

“We haven’t seen the new Spiderman yet.” Phil said.

“When the fuck are they going to stop remaking Spiderman?”

“I quite like it, it’s nice to see new plots and this way he stays a kid the whole time and they don’t grow with him like how boring would it be if we had a forty year old Tobey Maguire still catching bad guys.” Phil was always way too into Spiderman, but it always made Dan smile. 

“Put it on.” he said, trying to seem unimpressed but totally in love with him.

The woman came back with his drinks. Phil shared his coke with him but asked for some snacks on top of it. They watched the whole movie holding hands awkwardly over the middle of the seats, and 2 more movies after it till they had 30 minutes to landing. 

They didn’t have window seats, but from the few that were open they could tell it was nice out. The sun was setting, it was around 5pm Australia time, 6am in London. The naps they had made everything seem better. They would be able to land, eat and get to their airbnb and still manage to get a good night's sleep. 

Landing was simple and easy, it was a lot steadier than some of the landings he’d experienced. Him and Phil stood up and made sure they had everything they brought before exiting the plane. They did everything they had to do with immigration and finally got their bags back. Hand in hand they walked to the front of the airport and hopped in a taxi. 

Dan leaned back against the seat. “We’re officially on vacation.” he said with a smile.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very sex centred i wanted them to enjoy the vacation before the baby, sorry there isn't much plot

They arrived at their airbnb at 8pm, arms full groceries and their suitcases. They walked right up to the front gate, Phil put in the passcode he was sent by the homeowners over his email, and they watched as the automatic door swung open. 

All the lights were still on, the whole house was glass doors and windows bordered with beautiful brown wood. There were beautiful plants all over, a large fence that wrapped the premises, access to the rainforest through the backdoors, it was absolutely stunning. 

Phil put down his bags and turned to look at Dan, his eyes full and a smile on his face that Dan hadn’t seen since the day they got married. He was happy, emotional, and excited. “How do you like it? I thought it was perfect for us.” 

“I love it, however it does remind me of Breaking Dawn but I’m here for it.” he said, laughing as soon as the words left his mouth. 

“Oh god, it does have that feel cause of the beach and the trees and the windows.”

“Come on, let’s go put everything away and explore.” 

There were sticky notes with instructions on how to use different appliances all over the kitchen, the wifi password was written out on one on the fridge and the tv remote had instructions too. The owners really knew how to rent a place out. They put the small amount of groceries away, locking the front door and turning off most of the lights, they went upstairs together.

The master bedroom made his jaw drop. A king size bed, a beautiful fireplace, massive windows overlooking the backyard which was a rainforest. The wall behind the bed was interesting, it was more like a divider between the main room and bathroom area which was equally magnificent. The tub was massive, bigger than the one at home. The shower was a waterfall style one, big enough for the two of them to stand in the middle and have the water hit them at the same time. Double sinks like at home, a separate room for the loo, it was really the vacation home of his dreams. 

He put everything away in the empty drawers left for them, Phil was in the bathroom putting all his things away in there. Dan came across their little black bag of necessities at the bottom of his suitcase, smiling at it. He was a little eager to get up to all the ‘activities’ Phil had mentioned. 

He went to the bathroom and put it by the shower. Phil was looking in the cupboard at all the soaps and shampoo bottles that the owners supply the place with, Phil always liked to snoop and so Dan left him be. He stripped his shirt off and turned the water on, which grabbed Phil’s attention.

“Do you want to go for a night swim? The pools heated and there’s a hot tub too.” Phil said.

“Maybe, I kinda want to shower and stuff. The plane made me feel gross.” Dan replied, pushing his pants down to his ankles and stepping out. 

Phil tilted his head to look behind Dan at the bag on the floor. “Ah, yes you feel gross.” he said with air quotes.

Dans cheeks were one fire, “Leave me alone. Go get in the pool or something.”

Phil laughed while he left the room, Dan just shook his head and hopped into the shower. He did what he needed to do, he would have been done in 5 minutes if the water didn’t feel so amazing. The shower had a big mirror on one wall, windows overlooking the yard on the other, showing where Phil was sitting on the outdoor bed. 

The outdoor lighting was lovely, the pool was illuminated with a cute little waterfall that had a light under it making for a blue glow. There were twinkling lights around the trees, the little gazebo over the bed had a small light in it, it was beautiful. But Phil was more beautiful. 

He was out there in his cute little pink swimming shorts, Dan got them for him at a hotel they were at for a work trip. He never packed any and it was all Dan could find, but they also made his butt look amazing so it was a perk. Phil’s loved them ever since. Dan didn’t bother putting on his trunks, rather he wrapped himself in a towel and grabbed the bottle of lube and walked carefully down the hardwood stairs with his wet feel and out to the patio. 

Phil sat up when he saw him, a smile growing on his face. Dan walked right to the edge of the pool, he moved his hands and let the towel drop to the ground, watching Phil’s smile change to him biting his lip. He bent over, showing off but also placing the lube on the edge of the pool. He hadn’t felt sexy and desired like this in a while. 

Phil always made him feel loved, and beautiful, that was a no brainer but sometimes it was too soft. Sometimes he just wanted Phil to push him against a wall, rip his clothes off and fuck his brains out because he couldn’t help himself, because Dan was too sexy to hold back. And today was hopefully going to be one of those times. 

He walked down the stairs into the shallow end of the pool, and continued to walk in the lukewarm water to the edge near where Phil was sat on the outdoor bed. They’d have to take advantage of that at some point but today, right now, he wanted Phil in the water, holding him up and fucking into him with no remorse. “Are you going to sit there with your mouth open or are you going to come here and fuck me?” he asked, his voice low and dark.

“You’ll have to work for it.” Phil replied, standing from the bed, but moving to sit at the edge of the pool. His legs dangling in the water, Dan in between them. 

Dan ran his hands up Phil’s legs, over his knees and pushed his legs further apart. Then he continued up his thighs, not looking at his face at all but he knew his eyes would be wide, his bottom lip sucked into his mouth while his top teeth dug into it and his eyebrow arched as he watched what was happening. 

He ran his hand over the small shorts, gripping Phil’s growing cock lightly, feeling it twitch at the contact. The shorts were short enough that he pushed the one leg up and took it out to hold the full thing in his hand. A bead of pre-cum had gathered at the top, he wiped his thumb across the head and dragged his hand down to the base, just marveling at it. 

He was still very tall in the shallow water still, it was an awkward angle to get down and take him in his mouth, and the pool wall was too high to get on his knees and still reach. He let go and stepped back, taking Phil’s hand he made him hop off the edge and into the pool, his cock bobbin in the action. He pulled his shorts down in one go, pushed him against the pool wall once more, and got to his knees. 

His hands held Phil’s hips against the wall, his cock was rock hard and straining against his stomach. Dan’s own was hard, bobbing in the water dying for contact, but his orgasms often felt better the longer he ignored it. He licked up Phil, base to tip before sucking at just the tip. Taking it in his mouth and flicking his tongue at the slit, Phil moaned and lightly jerked. 

Dan took him in deeper and deeper till he felt the tip at the back of his throat and his little tuft of pubic hair at his nose. Phil ran one hand up Dan’s arm, tracing the water up it to his shoulder, towards his neck and then his cheek. Dan pulled off with a pop, his spit connected from Phil’s top to his bottom lip still. Phil wiped it off with his thumb. 

“Let me fuck you.” Phil said, his voice so deep it was like a growl.

Dan stood up, still holding Phil by his hips he pulled him in close and pressed their hips together. Looking down at their cocks touching he thrusted forward at the contact. Phil ran his hands down Dan’s back, he cupped him under his butt and picked him up, turning to place him on the edge of the pool. 

“Lie back a minute.” he instructed.

Dan did as he was told, lifting his feet up to balance on the edge and spread his legs apart. Phil grabbed the lube and poured a generous amount onto his fingers, easily getting 2 in there after the shower Dan took. He lightly fingered him, avoiding his prostate and simply stretching him. 

He pulled out, coated his cock in lube and stood back in between Dan’s legs. Dan sat up, wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist he let him lift him from the edge and lowered Dan down to his cock. The head pushed in and Dan gripped his legs around Phil tighter, lowering down more and more till Phil was deep inside of him. 

He stayed still, taking time to adjust to him while Phil walked them out to the middle of the pool where it was deeper. The water about both of their waists now, just about at Phil’s nipples and making Dan feel like he was floating in Phil’s arms. And with that Phil thrusted. 

He wasn’t expecting it, for Phil to thrust up into him with no problem at all. He felt weightless there, normally it was hard for them to fuck like this, Phil couldn’t hold him for long. He made a noise he didn’t know he could make, a high pitched moan that he’d normally be embarrassed of if they were home trying to be quiet but here he could do whatever. 

He did it a few more times, bouncing Dan on his cock with the help of the water. Dan tilted his head back, holding onto Phils shoulders as he dipped further back till he let go. Resting against the water he let his body go limp, floating there while Phil fucked him. Phil held him by his waist, making sure he wouldn’t float away while he fucked him. 

Dan felt like he was dreaming, he was so relaxed and blissed out it didn’t feel real. The warm pool water taking him in, his body feeling like a feather, his nerve endings on fire from the constant pressure at his prostate, he was being treated like a god. He could swear he died and was actually in heaven.

He felt Phil move his one hand to rest against his back and pull him back up, he felt dramatic, like the scene from dirty dancing where baby is arching her back from the water. He watched too many romance movies growing up he never thought his life would end up like one. He settled himself back to being chest to chest with Phil, his arms around Phil’s neck.

“Hi.” he whispered, pressing his forehead to Phil’s and looking into his eyes. 

“Hi I’m close.” Phil whispered back. 

“Fuck me then.” Dan said, pushing down on Phil’s cock. 

He thrusted up again, Dan pushed their lips together. Holding him tight, breathing him in, he ran his nails down Phil’s back knowing he liked it. Licking his bottom lip, he moaned as Phil opened his mouth to let him in. He was close too. 

Phil pulled back, burying his face in Dan’s neck and sucking at it. Dan tilted his head back so he had more access and in doing so he reached between them to grab his own cock. He knew Phil was almost there, he always went to Dan’s neck when he was close. He grabbed himself at the base and jerked off under the water. It felt like heaven. 

He moaned again, high pitched and drawn out. “Fuck Phil, right there.” he said and the thrusts got harder, more sporadic and less rhythmic but harder. 

“Fuck me so good Phil come on, cum in me please.” he whispered near his ear. He knew how to get Phil there with his little comments. 

“Fuck.” Phil grunted into his neck as he came.

Feeling him cum in him tipped him over the edge, it was hot and wonderful. He came between them, it floating up into the water while Dan let his body go limp once more. He floated back, Phil only lightly holding him. 

He kept his legs around Phil but fell back into the water completely. Phil pulled out of him but kept holding him as he walked them deeper into the water. The deep end was darkest, no lights or anything from the pool or the house reached it. It felt amazing, post orgasm in the quiet darkness of an Australian rainforest. just holding each other in the warm water.

 

He woke up to the birds chirping, the sun was barely shining in the room, and Phil out cold still beside him. It was exciting for him to be in Australia, the man he loved with him, the beach waves roaring in the distance and the wildlife being their only neighbours. The first few days were like this, a lot sunnier and a tad bit warmer. 

There was supposed to be a storm that day, which was good seeing as they spent the first 3 days out on the town together and they needed an excuse to stay inside the whole day. He didn’t want to go to the beach or the park. He didn’t want to zip-line or take a tram. He didn’t care for dolphins or helicopter rides today. He wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch a storm, have a bath with one of the many bath bombs they bought at lush, have more sex. Even though the last few days had already been a fuck fest. 

Morning blowjobs, handies in the shower, they fucked on the breakfast bar, the couch and the shower, the bed by the pool. You name it. Dan wasn’t sure how much more he could take but he wanted nothing more than to use all their remaining free time to love each other. He knew every part of Phil’s body and Phil knew all of his, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to just roll over and admire him. 

He was star-fished on his side of the massive king bed, his face in the pillow and his arms tucked under it. The sheet had fallen down his back, his back littered in more freckles than normal thanks to the sun. The side of his ass cheek visible from bringing his leg up over the sheet, a nice purple bruising bite mark on display that made him smile. 

Slowly, he pushed the sheets back and climbed out of the bed. He found some new underwear, threw on a shirt and made his way down the stairs. Phil really only liked cereal in the morning, while Dan on the other hand always made himself avocado and scrambled eggs on toast. 

The last few days they had eaten together, they’d set an alarm to wake up at the same time so they could adjust to the time and have a full day together. But there was something about having breakfast alone, like he normally did. After the girls went to school and Phil went to work, back when he didn’t work from home, he’d sit at the breakfast bar and eat. He’d have a show on his laptop, Bowie sat on the chair beside him watching him eat wishing for something too. He liked it like that. 

He finished his food, put his dishes away and made his way all the back upstairs. Phil was still asleep, he’d migrated to the middle of the bed, star-fished still with all his limbs spread to the 4 corners of the bed. He smiled again, but sometimes it hurt to look at him and feel that in love. It wasn’t like when he looked at Vy and fell in love with her and knew he’d fight endlessly for her. The pain he had in his chest for Phil was because he loved him and wanted him, he hated once living without him and he hated the idea that he’d ever have to again. 

He pushed the pain away. Replaced it with a smile because he was supposed to be happy, it was their vacation and he wasn’t supposed to let himself get scared of nothing. He wasn’t going to let his stupid head, and his irrational thoughts take him down for nothing. Today he was going to be okay. 

There was a chair by the window, the rain was starting to move in and he just wanted to watch. For the first time in a while, he had the time and the patience to just sit and enjoy his time. It was absolutely insane that he had the time in Australia of all places, watching a storm build over the rainforest. The smell of the rain coming over the smell of the ocean, the sound of the trees blowing in the wind, the waterfall in the pool trickling, it was possibly the closest thing to heaven as the sex they had the first day. 

“Why are you awake.” Phil said, his voice a low grovel. 

“We’ve been getting up early, I think I’m just used to it now.” he replied.

Phil huffed, rolling over onto his back and sitting up. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and yawned, stretching his arms up into the air. His gorgeous chest on display, the tuft of hair on his chest that Dan loved looked good over the hickies. 

“I’m going to shower.” he said with a smile, getting up from bed and continuing to stretch. Cock half hard, hanging deliciously and taking Dan’s attention. Phil laughed, “Enjoy your other view, I’ll be back” 

“Fine. don’t have too much fun.” 

“I never do without you.”

His shower was barely 10 minutes. It was enough for Dan to find his phone and put some music on, as well as some pants only for Phil to come back naked. “Get on the bed.” 

“I’m not like, prepared.” 

“I am. Get. On. The. Bed.” 

He almost ripped his clothes off that’s how fast he took them off. He laid back on the bed, settling in on the pillows, he rested his hands on his chest, he didn’t really know what to do with them yet. Phil turned the music up a bit in the background, just enough to hear it and the rain. 

He crawled onto Dan, sitting on his thighs. They were both hard, Phil from before and Dan in anticipation. The lube was still on the side table, they didn’t bother putting it away ever. It’s not like the kids could come in and see it. Phil reached for it, and Dan ran his hands up Phil’s thighs, over his hips and rested them there. 

Phil poured some lube in his hand and ran it over Dan’s cock. He moaned at the touch, digging his fingers into Phil’s skin. He pulled him forward, Phil lifted his body and hovered over where he was gripping Dan. Running his tip across his hole slowly before pushing it in just a little, taking it out again to smile down at Dan before pushing all the way in. 

“God you’re so fucking tight.” Dan spoke softly, he wasn’t much of a talker when he topped. It was sometimes too much for him to speak and focus on not cumming in 3 minutes.

“It’s cause we don’t do this nearly as often as we should.” he replied, placing both hands on Dan’s chest, sticking his ass out more and rocking his hips. 

Dan strained his neck up to kiss him before laying back against the pillow, holding his hips he helped Phil ride him. 

“I have a better idea.” Phil said, sitting up and pulling off of Dan. 

“Oh?” 

“Sit on the chair instead.” Phil instructed. 

Dan did as he was told once again, “sit straight. Legs together.” 

Phil turned around and backed up over him, sitting down once more on him. Filling himself up with Dan’s cock, he moaned as he took it back in. His feet flat on the ground, his legs bent, he was at the perfect advantage to fuck himself down on Dan. 

Dan reached his arms around Phil’s front. Holding one hand at his nipple and the other gripping Phil’s leaking member. The noises leaving him were enough to kill a man, he was fucking himself with Dan, who was just still letting Phil use him as his pleasure source and allowing himself to enjoy the wonderful feeling it left in him as well. 

Phil always took a while to cum when he was bottoming, Dan was a fast cummer when he topped. It wasn’t a problem, it just meant that dan came in what felt like an instant while Phil kept going, overstimulating him to no end. It was the best feeling in the world. When Phil took control like this, when he wasn’t just jerking himself off, rather there was a tight heat around him controlling how much and for how long he was being pleasured. It was fucking amazing. 

He buried his face in Phils neck, kissing and sucking at the skin, Phil reached his hand up to grab the top of Dan’s hair and tilt his head to kiss him. Hot and wet, open mouthed while he fucked him. He loved when Phil took over like this. “Gonna cum,” Phil groaned into his mouth.

He was surprised, maybe it was the angel, the want, the drive. Who knows, but Phil was driving himself up and down on Dan with vigor now, he wanted to reach the end. Dan tweaked a nipple, knowing how much he liked that while he jerked him off faster with his left hand. Phil’s moans were high pitched and frequent. 

Dan felt the familiar heat pooling in his stomach, Phil’s noises mixed with the tighter clench on him and the fast friction from Phil riding him so intensely was sending him over the edge and before he could warn him he was cumming hot and deep inside of Phil. 

“Yes, oh god there it is, yes!” Phil screamed, spilling all over Dan’s hand. Phil rode his orgasm out on Dan’s lap till the last thrust he pulled off completely and sat back against Dan’s chest and laid his head back on his shoulder. 

“We’re getting a chair.” Dan whispered. All Phil could do was nod. 

 

The rain continued for the rest of the day. A day which was spent in bed, with movies and snacks that they had delivered. Naked cuddles, conversations about things they didn’t know about each other. Like one time when Phil was 3 Martyn convinced him that if he put something heavy on himself he’d be flat like the boy from his favorite book. So he pulled his bookshelf onto himself and almost died. A bit over dramatic, but hilarious nonetheless.

The next morning was similar to the the first few days, eating together and hanging out. They had 2 full days left, 2 full nights, and another half day to pack and get ready to fly home. They’d done everything they wanted to. They had eat good food, relaxed, swam, saw the city for a bit. They did each other, a lot. And they weren’t even done with that either. 

Something was off that morning however, Phil was sad almost. He wasn’t his normal cheery self, nor was he overly pouty, but something was clearly upsetting him. He was cuddled into Dan, his leg brought up over Dan’s, his arms around his middle and his face in Dan’s neck. Dan ran his hands softly up and down his back, switching to what Violet used to call tickling when she was a baby. He ran his fingernails ever so lightly up the skin and the pads of his fingers back down. Listening to Phil’s breath and feeling the goosebumps on his arms show up. 

Their dynamic was set a long time ago, Phil told him what was wrong when he was ready and he knew that if he didn’t ask Dan what was wrong Dan would never tell him. It’s just how they worked best. Dan would hold everything in and Phil often poured his heart out when it was too full. 

“Sometimes I love you so much it hurts.” Phil finally whispered. 

Dan laughed, a small breathy laugh that made Phil bounce with his chest. “When you were sleeping yesterday I looked at you and thought the same thing. Like it actually hurts to look at you sometimes.” 

“It’s so weird.” 

“What is? Me looking at you asleep?”

Phil giggled and smacked his chest lightly, “No, love.” 

“It’s been five years and I never thought I’d be able to love you more but every day it just gets more intense and I’m worried one day my heart will just explode from how full it is.” Dan rambled. He always just spewed his thoughts with no real idea of where they were going. 

“I feel the same. I thought I only had enough love in my heart for Iris and Emily and then Martyn’s kids. Being an uncle filled my heart with more love than I thought it would. Then you took over the vast majority of my heart space and Violet was added too. And now we’re having Paisley and it’s just so full but I could love more, you know?” Phil said, picking his head up off Dan’s chest to look at his eyes. 

“Want to hear something that is crazy?” 

“Always.”

“We have enough love in our hearts for another kid after Paisley yes, but, in the next ten or fifteen years we could be grandparents.” Dan said softly.

“I hate that. I’m too young to be a grandfather.” Phil replied, his eyes wide as if he never thought of that before. 

“Okay says you with the grey hairs and receding hairline. I’m too pretty to be a grandparent.”

“That’s what your mum said.” Phil retorted. 

“She literally did though.” they both laughed. 

They laughed together for a minute, Phil cuddling back into him. “I really can’t wait for her.” 

“I know me either.” Dan agreed.

“Do you think she’ll look like us equally or more me or more like the woman?” Phil asked.

Dan had thought about that a lot. How Phil’s genes were so prominent in Emily, but Iris had also been beautiful with light skin, blue eyes, and dark hair. It was like a gene pool lottery. Mixing in someone who looked sort of like Dan meant that their baby would have the chance of looking like them or someone else entirely because of the egg donor. 

“I think she’ll have a round face like me and the donor. Maybe blue eyes at the start and they’ll fade to greenish.” he said, and he could feel Phil start to smile against his chest. “I hope she has curls too, they’re so cute when they’re little and you can put bows in them and they make pigtails better.”

“That would be cute.” Phil agreed. 

“And I hope she has your lips, and Emily’s cute feet. I hope she has a nice northern accent like all of you do. “

I just hope she’s happy and healthy and always knows how much we love her.” Phil chimed in, cutting him off.

“All our girls are the most loved girls in the world. Paisley will have an army of people to love her. I can’t fucking wait to meet her.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning depression reference and small talk of past suicidal thoughts

“Happy Birthday!” they all cheered as Charlotte made her way into the house.

“Nope. I’m too Pregnant to celebrate anything.” she grouched, putting her purse on the floor while Katie walked in behind her with 3 bags. 

“How did you not guess this was a birthday party?” Phil asked, taking her coat and walking with her to the couch. 

“Oh I knew, I just don’t want one.” 

“Well then we’re going to have to eat all this Wagamama’s alone and you wont get any ice cream cake if you’re truly that pregnant that you don’t want to celebrate being thirty four.” Dan said, setting the table in the other room and laying out all the containers on everyone’s place setting. 

“First you get me knocked up and now you’re force feeding me?” she said in playful shock, a smile on her face. “Thank you guys.” she said after a minute. Pregnancy made her secretly soft. 

Phil helped her up again, taking her to the dinner table to eat with everyone. She was massive now, her belly stretched beyond belief with a little under a month left to go. “We reach early term on Thursday which means if this spicy food sends me into labour she’ll be safe.”

“I don’t think I am ready for a December thirteenth baby, so please keep her in there.” Dan asked, his anxieties shooting up his stomach. 

“Do you all want to place bets on when she’ll really be here?” Katie asked, sitting beside Lottie and holding her hand. 

“What do we win?” Emily asked.

“A happy and healthy sister.” Phil answered with a cheeky grin. 

Dan took out his notes app and they went around the table guessing dates times and weights.

Dan - January 2nd 2pm 6lbs 9oz  
Phil - January 10th 9pm 7lbs even  
Lottie - December 29th 3am 6lbs 6oz  
Kate - December 19th midnight 5lbs 11oz  
Emily - January 12th 1am 6lbs even  
Vy - January 6th 6am 8lbs 3oz

It was all over the board, evenly spread out so any of them could win. 

“So dad, I saw you hung a P and an M in her room. What’s the name?” Violet asked.

He looked at Phil, their eyes quietly communicating that they didn’t mind telling anyone. “Her name is Paisley Margaret Lester.” Dan answered. 

They all awed, “thank god she’s got a little me in her name.” Charlotte said. 

“What do you mean?” Phil and Dan asked at the same time.

“We’ve been friends for what? Fourteen years and you don’t know my middle name is Paisley?” 

“Holy fuck that’s why it sounded so right.” Dan half yelled, slamming his fork down on the table.

“We were deciding names and I always loved Paisley and he was like yeah that’s her name it’s perfect.” Phil clarified. 

“I literally forgot but thats so perfect!” 

She shook her head, “after all I’ve done for you. You forgot.” 

“Bad friend detected.” Dan joked right back, smiling at her and her big belly that she had rested her plate on. When he met her all those years ago, she used to hold his 2 year old on her hip and now she’s carrying his newborn in her womb. If he went back and told either of them that this is where they were headed they’d never believe him. 

Then again, if he could go back in time and tell Dan of 2009 about his future he’d try and find Phil a hell of a lot sooner. 

 

Everyone was asleep, including Phil and Bowie back in the safety of their bedroom. But Dan couldn’t sleep. He’d been up most of the night, walking around the house, doing some final work things, he refolded a bunch of Paisleys things. But he just could not get into the mindset to let himself sleep that night. 

He sat on the floor of Paisley’s room. It was all done, her walls decorated and her furniture built. All of her things were washed and put away, her bed sheets were on and all her stuffed animals were in the cot. On the floor Dan had a diaper bag packed and a hospital bag for if god forbid the home birth went south. 

They were ready for her physically. But mentally, Dan felt like his brain was going to explode from all the thoughts he was having. How was he going to handle the long nights? The colds? The fevers? The tantrums? Periods? Partners? He did it once but come April it will have been 17 years since the last time he had a baby. 17 years since his worst depressive episode started. 17 years since he wanted to die and the only thing keeping him around was the small human that was half him. 

He wiped the tears that he didn’t know he was shedding off his cheek, sniffled a bit but settled. One day he’d be sat in here with her in his arms, tears in his eyes from exhaustion or stress, one day he’d look back at being scared shitless that he’d fuck up again. One day he wouldn’t cower away in his fears, one day he wouldn’t let his thoughts over power what he knew. But today, he was going to go to Peggy’s and try not to cry and listen to her tell him the truths his mind rather not see. 

The hardest part of being a counsellor was knowing how his depression manifested, the way his thoughts took over and how he listened even if deep down he knew they were wrong. He could make a whole list of the good things he did as a parent, but he could add the one bad thing he did and hate himself for the rest of his life.

To Phil:  
From Dan:   
Gone to Peggy’s for a early morning stress chat. Love you a lot, let me know if you want me to bring you home anything. 

Phil’s phone didn’t buzz or bing, it sat unbothered on his nightstand while he slept. Dan grabbed his shoes, a nice big sweater from his closet and slipped his wallet into his track pants. He took his keys from the counter in the kitchen, quietly he slipped out the front door. He relocked it from the outside and reset the alarm using the key fob. It wasn’t the first time he slipped out quietly from all of them in the last 5 years. 

Peggy’s place opened at 8, it was currently almost 7, but Dan knew Peggy would always be in there early on a Sunday morning making some baked delicious thing for her family to enjoy later that night. He pulled into the parking lot right beside her car and sent her a text. 

To Peggy:   
From Dan:  
I’m outside can you let me in?

A moment later he saw the side door that lead to the kitchen open. He got out of his car and locked the door. “Hey Peg.” 

“Hello Daniel. Have you slept yet?” she said, patting his back as he walked into the room. Closing the door behind him, he waited for her to lock it again before going in for a hug. 

“No, it’s good baby practice.” he said, using it as an excuse for his depression. 

“Is that why you’re here? Baby practice?” she replied, seeing right through him.

He took a seat at the counter where she was mixing some batter. “We’re 3 weeks away from having a baby.”

“It’s normal to be scared, especially if it’s been almost seventeen years since the last time you had a baby.” she said, turning her mixer back on and going back to work.

He let out a huff, he knew she was right. She always was right when it came to him, she knew him like the back of her hand apparently. She could sense his emotions as if she could read his mind, she knew more about him than his own mother and sometimes Dan felt as if she loved him more than his own mother. 

“We picked a name.” he said, changing the topic to something that wouldn’t make him cry.

“Oh really?” she cheered, “I’m half tempted to wait to meet her before I know.” 

“I’m half tempted for that too,” he said with a soft smile, tilting his head to look at her and watch as she poured chocolate chips into the mixer. “But I’m sure you’ll be more excited to meet her knowing her name is Paisley Margaret.” 

Her head shot up, “You didn’t.” 

“Oh I did.” 

She started to cry a little, slowly moving from her work station and over to him she laid her chin on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. For once she could reach because he was sitting down, he held her close. “You’re my family, I wanted a family name in hers.”

“I love you. You’re going to be so amazing this time around.”

“Was I not last time?” he joked, fighting the urge to cry.

She lightly smacked his shoulder, still holding him close. “No, I just mean that last time was very hard as it would be because you were a child but now you are a man with Phil and grown children to help and you’re stable and changed and different. You’re going to do amazing.” 

“You really think?” 

She pulled off, moving to hold his face in his hands. “I know. You’re so much stronger now.”

“I’m really trying.” 

“You’re not going to do it again.” he said sternly. “You’re not going to leave her because you haven’t slept for days and were in the worst episode of your life. As a parent I know how hard it is to keep a kid alive and advocate for yourself. You didn’t leave her alone, you just didn’t say where you were going. She was safe, you were safe, and now she’s sixteen and healthy and you’re married to a wonderful man with a step daughter and you’re having another baby.” her voice beyond cheerful.

She wiped a tear off his cheek with her thumb. “None of that would have happened if you didn’t get help that one day. If you didn’t walk into that hospital and get help you might not be here. But you’re here and you’re loved and that sweet little girl, miss Paisley Margaret Lester, is going to have the best dad’s in the world and will always know she’s loved.”

“I love you Peggy.” he said softly.

“I love you more.” 

 

He slept most of the day once he got home. The girls went out to see a movie, Phil read books beside him in bed while Bowie was curled up at his side. Dan put on a show on the TV at the end of the bed, he slept through most of it but it was nice background noise. 

Phil looked so handsome beside him. Glasses on, hair messy, no shirt. He had his right knee up to rest his papers steady while he highlighted and scribbled notes onto it. Dan never would have thought that someone just peacefully doing their work, reading and editing would be so hot to him. 

“You know,” Phil said. The first words they shared today. “I’m scared too.”

He rolled into Phil’s side and rested his head on Phil’s arm, “I know, my brain just doesn’t cope well with my over thinking.”

He put his book down, moved all his pens and papers to the side table and lowered down to Dan’s level. Turning to his side to face Dan, “I’m just as scared. This is my third baby technically.”

Dan felt the blood leave his face, he felt himself go cold. “I’m sorry, I forgot.”

Phil took Dan’s hand in his, they both stared at them. Eventually Phil’s eyes met his, a small smile crept in, “the second we got pregnant I was scared.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Phil took in a breath, “I still don’t know exactly how to say oh by the way my last wife almost killed my one kid and took my other out of this world before telling me it even existed and now another woman is carrying my third baby and I can’t watch over her night and day to make sure she keeps the baby safe.”

“Just like that.” Dan said softly.

“It doesn’t make me sound insane?” he asked.

“No.” Dan said, shaking his head lightly. “It makes you sound like a father.” 

“I want to tell you something that might actually make me look insane.”

“What?”

He bit his lip for a second, holding it in. “I found the ultrasound in Iris’s things after she died and I still have it and I keep it in my underwear drawer.” 

“I thought that was Emily’s?” 

Phil arched an eyebrow, “You’ve seen it? Why were you in my drawer” he asked.

“Duh, I put your laundry away so of course I’ve seen it.” 

“You’re not creeped out?” 

“Phil, that’s one of your kids. It’s as sane for you to keep it as it would be if she miscarried. That’s your baby.” he said, letting go of Phil's hand to touch his cheek.

Phil scrunched his face the way he did when he was fighting back tears. He didn’t say anything but Dan knew he was hurting. Dan pulled him in, resting Phil’s head on his chest and kissing the top of his head. “I love you.”

“I love you too Dan, more than I could ever express.” 

That just made him hold Phil tighter. He knew, he had the same feeling in his heart as well. And he knew actions spoke louder than words so he held him as close as he could, with his nose still touching Phil’s scalp. He just stayed there with him in their peaceful happy place. 

“You know,” Phil said softly. “We only have three more weeks of this. Only three more weeks of peace and quiet and random Saturday naps.”

Dan smiled, he really didn’t mind that the peacefulness was ending cause that would mean she’d finally be in his arms. “How bad was Emily as a baby with sleeping?”

“She was up all night and slept all day till she was two. She also slept in my bed till three because I couldn’t say no to her.” he said with a laugh and a smile that Dan could feel on his chest. 

“Well we have that nice bassinet that she’ll sleep in beside me so she won’t be in the bed she’ll just be in here which will make her room transition easier.” Dan explained. His heart fluttering at the thought. 

“I’m so excited for her.” Phil whispered.

Dan smiled. “We’re going to be the best Dad’s together.” 

Phil scooted his way up the bed a little, face to face with Dan once more he kissed him. Long and deep, breathing in deeply through his nose. It was exaggerated but it was cute, they loved each other in a gross way that Dan hopped stayed with them till they were 100. That kiss became small pecks and then slowly it built till they were having a high school style make out session in their bed at 3 in the afternoon.

Phil finally pulled back when they heard the front door open, their bedroom door was still open for Bowie to roam in and out which also meant the girls could come in and see them. They tried their best to look as if they weren’t just groping each other, but Phil’s hair was a mess and Dan could already feel the beard burn growing on his face and neck. 

“We’re home!” they called. Dan heard his keys get slammed on the counter, a shoe hit the wall as one of them most likely kicked it off and footsteps approach their door. Phil picked his work back up, trying to look natural while Dan had a shit eating grin on his face. 

“How was the movie?” Dan asked as Vy rounded the corner. 

“Sad, it made me cry.” she said, sitting on the end of his bed. “Are you feeling better?” 

“Much.” he said with a smile. 

“Where is my popcorn tax for letting you go?” Phil jokingly asked Emily who was leaned up against the door frame. 

“Right here.” she smiled, handing him a half eaten bag of popcorn. 

“Thank you, you can put it on my dresser there.” 

She did just that before joining them on the bed. “Do you think this old thing will be able to hold five of us soon?” Violet asked.

“She’s been through so much already I’m sure adding another six pounds won’t hurt.” Emily spat back.

Dan felt his whole face turn pink. Having his step daughter make jokes about his sex life with her father was not something he expected to ever happen but then again, he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“What do you guys want to do before she comes?” Phil asked, changing the topic.

The girls looked at each other and smiled, as if they were already planning something. “Well, we actually wanted to throw you guys a baby shower.” Violet said. 

“And not just any baby shower.” Emily cut in, “no presents or anything cause you already have all that stuff and no games cause those are boring. But just a get together party with all the family, we can order in dinner and just all celebrate Paisley coming.” 

“We’d love that!” Dan said before even looking at Phil to see if he agreed. 

“Good cause it’s tomorrow.”


	10. Chapter 10

The girls left early with a small goodbye and instructions to be at Phil’s parents house at 2pm. They spent the morning doing what they did best, each other. It was more of a game of how many times they could do it before they were new dad’s again. 

They showered and changed into what Violet called “comfy fancy” clothes. Which just meant jeans and a jumper. Dan used it as an excuse to wear the new sweater he got with his Christmas bonus, a nice Alexander McQueen black jumper.

Phil on the other hand, he wore a new red button up he loved with his black jeans. He was experimenting with growing a beard, it was really coming in nice. For the last 3ish day’s he’d left his stubble to grow in, leaving a nice dark shadow that he shaped and made proper, when it started to fill out he was going to be too good looking for his own good. 

“You ready?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, I’m driving though. Hand me the keys?” Dan asked, sticking his hand out.

He put them in his coat pocket, patting his butt to make sure he had his wallet if he needed it, his phone was in his front pocket. He smiled at Phil who had put Bowie on her leash and they left. The drive was short, they talked about baby prep. They still had to get a carseat and a stroller. 

There were an abundance of cars outside Phil’s mums house, “who the fuck is all here?” Phil asked, stepping out with Bowie. 

“That’s my mums car, and I think that’s my brothers, as well as Peg’s.”

“They really meant it when they said shower.” Phil commented, walking around the car and grabbing Dan’s hand. They walked up the stairs and into Kath’s place.

Through the kitchen archway they saw everyone there, “HAPPY BABY SHOWER!” they all screamed at them. Dan took a step back at the loudness that erupted. Bowie was barking at the madness that ensued, and Colin, the old pup was there barking along side her. Everyone was hugging them, they were all saying hello, it was a mess. Every single person Dan held dear to his heart was in his mother in laws kitchen. 

“Now dad, I know you didn’t want a real baby shower but we all go presents and we’ve ordered in pizzas. Like it or lump it.” Violet ordered, forcing them to sit down in the living room. They weren’t lying when they said there was presents. There was probably 20 of them all wrapped and near the Christmas tree in the lounge. 

Charlotte came and sat right beside him, her big bump had started to drop low, she relaxed into the couch beside him and he placed his hand on her stomach. He rubbed it a little and felt a kick, it made him smile. “Good thing she likes you cause no takesies backsies.” 

His mum and Kath sat on a couch together with Colin and Bowie, she was obsessed with him. Peggy was talking his mum and Kath's ear off about baking in that corner of the room. Nick, Martyn, Adrian and Phil’s dad sat near the kitchen not really caring what was happening, they cracked a few beers and just stayed out of the way. Violet was suddenly in full mum mode, making sure everyone had a drink before she started to hand Dan and Phil presents. 

“Now dad, this one is from Phil for Christmas but I thought it would be nice for you to open it today.” she said, handing him a card. 

He looked at Phil suspiciously, not knowing what he was up to. He carefully tore the envelope open, peeking inside to see just a normal card. He pulled it out and inside the card there was a folded sheet of paper. A shipping confirmation for the expensive stroller that Dan wanted with matching car seats. “Phiiiiil.” he said softly. 

“What, I saw you looking at them last month online and thought why not, we don’t know how many more kids we’re going to have and this will last.” he said softly. 

“I’m not doing this again.” Charlotte said, passive aggressive from the amount of stress her body was in. 

“I’ll do it.” Violet chipped in.

“Really?” Dan asked, shocked. 

“Why not, it would be so cool to carry my brother or sister. Like in five years if you want another I’ll be twenty-one and I could do it.” she said, as if she had been thinking about it. 

They moved on to a few more gifts, getting the cutest little girl clothes and monogrammed things. Dan’s mum got him a few cloth diapers like he said he wanted to try, and a hose extension for his laundry room sink to clean them off. He was excited to try all these new things. 

“So two more weeks.” Peggy said, “how are you feeling?” 

“Good, honestly I think we’re ready.” Phil said with a smile. 

“Too bad she isn’t ready. She’s going to be late.” Charlotte said, rubbing her belly softly. “First babies are often late but she’s not ready at all, she’s too high and she’s not flipped yet.” 

“Go to an indoor pool or something and do some handstands it makes them flip.” Karen chipped in, “Adrian was breach and we managed to flip him ourselves before he tore me to shreds.” 

“Jesus fuck I’m not ready.” Charlotte said under her breath. “I’ve watched so many babies come out of people, I’ve had to stitch so many women back up and jesus christ I am not ready.” 

“But you’ve been doing your stretches and applying the oils you’re going to do fine.” Katie said, trying to calm her down. 

“Olive oil on my cooch will only go so far.” she snapped back.

“I’m so glad I’m done having babies.” Cornelia said with a smile on her face, her youngest laying on her chest. 

“How were they for you?” Charlotte asked. 

“Well Lia was tiny, I had three stitches with her but Noah was massive, you’d think I had a baby with Phil with how tall he is.” she joked. 

“Sweet fuck I actually am having a baby with Phil.” 

“Noah was still good though, I had 12 stitches with him and it was okay again in 2 weeks. It the long period you get after that’s the most annoying cause pads don’t help and you basically have to be in diapers the whole 2 weeks after.” Cornelia said, you could hear the annoyance on her voice. 

Charlotte sighed, leaning her head back on the couch. “Well, Emily was only six pounds, and Iris has 30 stitches cause she never did any stretches and didn’t really prep she just like pushed it out and fucked everything up.” Phil said, swearing in front of his parents for like the first time ever.

Phil and his mum were really the only people in the room who knew Iris, and even then she wasn’t much of a sharer. They didn’t know who she really was, Phil was still figuring her out 14 years later. Martyn was never home when he was married, and he hadn’t met Cornelia yet. But you could tell, they didn’t really like her from what had been said about her. 

“She was a piece of work sometimes.” Kath agreed. “But, you’ll be fine charlotte, birth sucks but seeing the thing you created and being in that euphoric moment with your creature is amazing.” 

“But it’s not my baby.” she replied, a little emotional. 

“No, but,” Kath began, her words soft. “That is your god daughter. She was grown in you and for the last nine almost ten months you have grown to know her. She had grown in you and bonded with you. She’s a little person you know and will see soon and when you do see her, genes or not she will be the loveliest thing you’ve ever seen in your life.” 

Those words really hit Dan, because in a way, that baby wasn’t his either even though he would be keeping her. He loved her so much, she was his baby regardless of the genes, she was his little person made by the person he loved most in the world. 

He looked over at Emily in the corner, on her phone not paying attention to anyone, and when he looked at her, he loved her with his whole heart. She wasn’t his kid, and he never knew her till she was 11, but he loved her in a way he would never be able to explain. It was going to be the same for Paisley. 

The pizza came as soon as they were done with presents, and at that point Martyn and Adrian had offered to put everything in their car for them. Thank god they brought the Suburban, because it was a massive amount of things from playpens to toys and automated rockers. They were absolutely set for this little girl. 

Everyone wondered off to the kitchen except Cornelia, who has a sleeping Eli on her. “Let me take him, go eat.” Dan said to her softly.

“No, no it’s okay it’s your party you do eat.” she said, waving him away with her free hand. 

“I’m not hungry, it’s okay I can hold him.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Dan said reaching for him. “I need some baby cuddles.”

“You know that when she gets here he’s going to feel massive. He may be my baby but he’s not a baby.” she said softly, passing him up to Dan. 

He snuggled right into Dan’s warmth, that was something all babies loved about him. He was so warm that babies, dogs, even Phil all fell asleep on him. She thanked him and left to go get some pizza. Leaving Dan in the room with the little guy on his chest, he sat back down and stared off at the Christmas tree. This was the best day he could have asked for, with all the people he loved in one room celebrating a new little person to love.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am in no way a birthing expert i've just watched a shit ton of vlogs and taken a few parenting classes in high school and college and if it's not 100% accurate at least i tried. i got inspiration from Sarah Therese's vlog when she had her daughter Elizabeth if you want to watch it and see more of how i envisioned it <3 only 3 chapters left!

Christmas and New year came and went in a flash. Dan was in full baby panic mode, calling and texting Charlotte all day long to make sure she was doing good till she eventually moved in with them on the 27th of December. 7 days before the due date. The girls were in and out of the house over the break, Violets Christmas present from Nick was a trip to Paris with his family for New Years, it was the first year Dan didn’t have her in the house for the new year. But he had 2 almost 3 other woman there.

Katie still went to work every day and came back at night to stay with Charlotte who was losing her mind. “You know it’s not too late to schedule in a C-section on the due date so I don’t have to be pregnant anymore.” she said one day.

“You can bring her into the world how ever you want remember that was the deal.” Dan reminded her. She stayed with her plan, wanting to experience the birth to feel a connection with her clients more.

They met the due date with no sign that they were having a baby that day. Violet and Emily ended up sleeping in one room together so that Dan and Phil had a bed upstairs, and Katie and Charlotte could have a nice real bed on the main floor while they were stuck at their house for the time being. It was a long two weeks, they all started to go a little crazy together.

Violet spent a lot of time at Nicks so she didn’t have to sleep in a bed with Emily. Dan and Phil were going insane not sleeping in their bed or having their alone time at night that they normally loved. Dan was always on edge every time Lottie was in pain or felt different. Phil was leaving to go to his mums house to get work done because Dan and Charlotte together was a lot to handle. They couldn’t want for the baby to get there and for a different kind of crazy to start.

On January 10th she started cramping, not yet contractions, but she didn’t feel good or comfortable at all. On the 11th her ‘mucus plug’ fell… Dan didn’t know what that meant and he really didn’t want to but Lottie was dead sent on letting him know it happened in as much detail as possible. On the 12th she had the midwives come and check her, she was 2 weeks past her due date and they were going to induce her if she wasn’t going naturally. She was already dilated 3cm.

“You could go into labour in the next day or two, but if not we’ll move you to the hospital and induce you.” Jen explained.

Lottie huffed and laid back on the couch, “Fine.”

Dan made her a pineapple smoothie, apparently they induced labour and for dinner that night they eat spicy curry. Dan told them that night he didn’t care that it was his bed, sometimes sex helped induce labour and Charlotte was getting this baby out.

5am on January 13th Katie was at their bedroom door, she knocked lightly and they both sat right up. “What?”

“Her water broke all over the bathroom floor,” she said softly. “It’s time.”

Dan’s heart was beating a hundred miles a minute, “okay. Have you called Jen and Kristin?”

“Yes, they’ll be here in forty minutes. Char felt around down there and said she thinks she’s at a four. Nothing too serious right now, and she’s okay so take your time coming down.” Katie explained before closing the door and leaving.

Dan took a breath and fell back in the bed, Phil falling beside him. “You ready? Phil asked.

“Let’s do this.”

 

Downstairs, Charlotte was in the living room in a bathrobe leaning over an exercise ball. She was breathing deeply in through her nose and out her mouth, passing a contraction. Katie was in the kitchen setting up the hose for when they needed to fill the pool, she had brought out towels and the mini speaker to start the hypno spa birth music that Lottie had requested.

“What can I do?” Dan said, kneeling in front of Charlotte.

“Stand up.” she said, her voice deep in gluteal pain, “and hold my hands.”

Dan listened, standing and grabbing her hands. “Now I want you to pull up on them like you’re trying to lift me by my arms while I pull back down.” she explained.

He held her arms above her head, pulling her up, watching her throw her head back while she pulled her body down. “Do this with me on every contraction.” so he did. In between them he was on his knees beside her, massaging her lower back and putting pressure with his fists where she was hurting the most.

“So many dads are afraid to hurt their wives and never get this into it.” she whispered in the pain. “But I guess cause we’re not in love you don’t mind putting the pressure I want into it.”

“Let me know if I hurt you though.” he said softly. The last thing he wanted was to be too rough with her.

While he was on the floor Phil had gone to clean up the bathroom, Katie was sitting in the kitchen watching them but not knowing how to help. She wasn’t a big fan of watching Charlotte in pain, after causing so much of it herself all those years ago. Once Phil finished cleaning he came out with a cold wash cloth.

“Iris liked this I don’t know if you will too.” he said softly, laying it on the back of her neck.

“Phil Lester, I’ve never loved a man more, thank you.” she said, placing her hand on it and holding it here.

“I’m going to run to the corner store and get some ice for you, is there anything else you’re allowed to have that you want?” he asked, putting his coat and shoes on.

“I want a fruit cup, ginger ale, a granola bar, and a blue gatorade.” she said, leaning back over the exercise ball.

“On it.” he said, he kissed Dan’s head and left.

Jen and Kristin showed up right at 6am. She had progressed to a 5, halfway to where she needed to be. Her contractions were a minute long and ever 2-3 minutes apart. She was not having a fun time, but her Doula and her were working on it. For the first hour that Jen was with her, she had steadied her breathing and reminded her why she was doing this.

Whispering, “You’re an amazing aunt, you helped Dan raise Violet and look at her now. She’s so strong and beautiful, she looks up to you. This baby will do the same but with more gratitude knowing you grew her, that you had enough love in your heart to help her father welcome her into the world.” it was so soft with the spa music in the background Dan couldn’t help but feel emotional.

Around 7am they pushed all the couches and the coffee table to the far wall’s of the living room, freeing up the space for the pool. Dan laid out the plastic sheet, they blew the pool up and placed more sanitary plastic over it, they ran the hose from the kitchen sink out to the living room and filled the pool. It was the perfect temperature for her to get in.

Dan stood beside her still, pulling her up for her contractions while Phil rubbed her lower back. “More people need two men to help holy fuck this is great.” she moaned into the air. For being in pain and pushing a baby out she was making the same noises as Dan had heard in some crazy fake porns.

Dan fed her ice chips, she hated them. “I want my Fruit cup.” she said angrily, and Dan’s never ran to the fridge faster in his life. She was the scariest woman in the world when a small child was coming out of her.

She progressed to 7cm at 8am. At that point she was really having a hard time staying calm with everything. She kept saying she could feel her dropping lower and it was so weird there was a head in her vagina. She got out to pee and walk around, not liking the feeling of everything. She said she was hypersensitive to everything in that moment and nothing was helping.

Katie was watching her freak out. “Do you have headphones?” she asked Dan while Lottie was pacing.

“Yeah why?”

“Put the spa music in her ears and we’ll sit her on the couch with me and she’ll calm right down.” she explained. Dan nodded and left to get them.

He returned to Katie and Charlotte cuddled on the couch, Charlotte was naked still from the waist down after being in the pool but she was tired of caring. There was a kid coming out of her vagina that day, she wasn’t in the mood for keeping her modesty. Just as Katie said, Charlotte calmed right down. So much so that she fell asleep till a little after 9.

Charlotte sat up really fast, pushing the headphones off and startling everyone in the room. “I’m ready to push I think.” she said.

Kristin checked her, she was at a 9. Dan turned away while Kristin was fist deep inside her. “Little miss Paisley has a lovely head of hair, dads.” she said, taking her hand out and going to the kitchen to wash it off.

Dan was giddy beyond belief. His little baby was right there, minutes away from being in their world. “I’m going to wake the girls.”

Upstairs he walked into Violets room to find her and Emily all cuddled up the way they had been that day he woke them up to leave for Wokingham all those years ago. “Good morning.” he said softly, sitting on the edge of their bed.

“What time is it?” Emily asked, curling in more to Violets neck.

“Time to meet your sister.”

“Shut up!” Violet said, sitting up and sending Emily up with her.

“Charlotte is about to start pushing soon so wake up and come down if you wish to watch, we’re going to have a baby in the next hour.” Dan explained, kissing her head as he stood up.

“Holy shit okay.” Emily said, rubbing her eyes.

“Call your grandma’s, Martyn too and let them know.” he said before leaving the room.

Downstairs Charlotte was back in the pool. She was working through her contractions, trying desperately to get to a 10. She wanted to get her out so bad, “Not that I don’t love her but I’ll love her more when she’s not in me.” she kept saying.

“What’s she like?” Phil asked.

“She moves all the time. She’s never been still, get her into dancing or jujitsu or something because she’s a mover.” She explained. “She loves music, she’s very reactive to Dan’s spotify playlists, I play those for her so she knows your music.”

“Really?” Dan asked, shocked.

“Yeah and I’ve told her all about you guys on nights I couldn’t sleep.” she said. “How her daddy is a big dork who will love her with more love than she can handle, how her papa isn’t someone I’ve known that long but he’s the sweetest and nicest man on the whole earth. Her sisters are beautiful and smart and she’s going to have an army of people who love her for her whole life.”

Dan wasn’t used to her being sweet, so hearing her voice like that while she rubbed her belly and talked to his daughter made him cry. “Okay don’t be a loser, it’s not that sappy.” she said with a laugh.

She threw her head back against the edge of the pool, she spread her legs and pushed down on her tummy, “Can I push now Kris?” she asked.

“Let’s see.” she said, checking her once more. “We’re at a ten.”

“I want someone or something to lean on while I do this.” she said.

“What can I do?” Dan asked.

“Get a chair, put it here at the edge and put your feet in the pool,” Jen instructed. Phil brought over a chair and Dan sat, pulling his track pants up to his knees. “Now grip his knees and put your head between his legs.”

Charlotte did so, spreading her legs while on her knees. Dan rubbed her back as she breathed through the contractions. Kristin was behind her, feeling her as she pushed little by little. Emily and Violet made it down the stairs, sitting on the couch watching with Phil and Katie.

“In two more pushes we’re going to have a baby.” Kristin said.

“Phil get a towel ready and stand here beside me.” Jen instrusted. “When she drops, and the head is out, place your fingers where her shoulders will be with a light grip hold on and pull her out and up onto your chest okay.”

“Okay!” she panted, pushing through the contraction.

“Push push push there we go.” Kristin said behind her. “Breathe now that it’s over, the next contraction will bring her out.”

“Okay, I’m ready!” Charlotte cried, Dan watched with tears in his eyes as she let go of his legs to reach between her own.

He kept watching as the small head made its way out of her, she placed her fingers around the neck and pulled her out and up to her chest in such a fast motion. She sat down cross legged immediately, Kristin steading her back while Phil placed the towel around the two of them.

“Did anyone see that?” she said, her eyes glazed over, she looked like she was in shock or high, “did you see that?” she kept asking.

"ten nineteen." Katie said, writing it down on the notepad like Charlotte told her to do before everything went down.

Jen ran the towel over Paisley wiping the white plaque like stuff from her, the second they pulled the towel off of her and Charlotte took her from her chest and turned her into her arms, she started to wail those beautiful newborn baby cries. “Look how beautiful she is!” she cried.

“She’s so purple.” Dan said, worried.

“She’s a great colour! Most babies come out pale white or dark purple. This is a good thing.” Kristin explained.

Charlotte kept her in her arms, letting them clip the cord before Phil cut the end off. “Take your shirt off.” Charlotte said.

“Wha-”

“Take it off!” she said.

Dan did so, taking it off completely and throwing it to the floor. “Now take her and hold her to your chest I have a placenta to pass.” Charlotte said, handing him his daughter.

Holding her for the first time he broke down, suddenly she wasn’t just a thought. She wasn’t just a seed they planted in their friend or a bump that she grew. She wasn’t a name in his mind or initials on a wall. She was a tiny perfect little baby in his arms, on his chest and in his heart forever.

“Hello Paisley.” he said softly through his tears. He took his feet from the pool and sat back in the chair, Phil over his shoulder looking down at her as well. He felt water dropping onto his shoulder, Phil was crying. Dan looked up and kissed him. Long and deep, he breathed Phil in while tears dripped down his cheeks to the crease of his lips.

This was their baby, soft and warm in his arms. She cried ever so softly along with them. The more she cried and breathed with them the redder her skin got, she was going to pink up slowly throughout the day. They moved to weigh her, laying her on a sheet attached to a weight. Kristin held her up, steadying it. “Six pounds six ounces.” she announced.

“Just a small thing.” Charlotte said, standing beside Dan leaning against him. “Didn’t tear me enough for stitches thank god.”

“Thank you for you cervix.” Phil said, hugging her lightly.

She laughed at him, “how long have you been thinking of that one?” she asked.

“The last ten months.” he laughed right back.

Lottie spent a little while with Paisley, learning to latch and feeding her for the first time. It was important that she breast fed the colostrum to her, she was going to feed her for the next week by pumping and delivering milk to them till she weaned her breasts from making it. She looked so content looking down at her niece while Dan and Phil cleaned up the living room once again.

Jen was in the kitchen with a stack of papers. “Now, while she’s in there with the baby we need to go over the paperwork for the birth certificate. I’ve provided all the proof that there was a pregnancy and a baby was born and that it was a surrogacy so that while she carried the baby it’s not in her name.” she explained flipping through the pages. “We’ve listed Phil as biological parent one and you as parent two we just need signatures.”

Dan signed it. A proud feeling in his heart that he got to do this this time around. He wasn’t just handed a baby. “Congrats dads, you have a beautiful little girl for the rest of your lives.” she said proudly. “I can bring this to the office and have it mailed in and the certificate will come to you in the mail in the next 3 months.”

“Thank you so much for today.” Dan said, hugging her lightly.

“It was my pleasure, let’s do this again in a few years?” she said with a big smile on her face.

“Who knows.”


	12. Chapter 12

Paisley was the tiniest little thing he ever held in his arms. He would hold her for hours on end, mostly against his chest while she slept. Sometimes she’d try to lift her head up to look around, startle herself and settle back into him and go back to bed and he’d smile. She was so content and peaceful in his arms, and so was he. 

Something he loved more than holding her was watching Phil hold her. She liked to be in the crook of his neck, her hands by her face and her knees curled up as if she was still in the womb. And Phil just held her there, one hand on her little diapered bum and his other on whatever he was doing. It had been a week and he was already in both full dad and full work mode. 

Phil sat with her on his chest and his laptop on his lap, typing away with one hand and scribbling notes on a pad of paper beside him on the bed. He let Dan have naps during the day knowing Dan liked to get up with her at night. They worked really well together with a newborn, better than they thought they would. They took turns at night feeding her, she wasn’t really in the random crying stage yet so she was soothed quite easily when she was fussy and she slept a lot, not for long, but still a lot. 

Dan sat up in the bed, resting against the headboard he leaned over and laid a kiss to Phil’s shoulder and then Paisleys head. “Can I?” he asked.

Phil passed over their perfect little girl to him, Dan brought his knees up and rested her against his legs, looking at her beautiful sleeping face. Supporting her head with one hand and using the other to straighten out her onesie, he just admired her. 

She had dark brown hair for the time being, it would most likely fall out the same way Violets did and grow in lighter. When her eyes were open, they were a dark newborn blue and the same shape as Phil’s and his mums. Everyone asked them who they thought she looked like, and she was very much like Phil. Dan would know, he’s spent the majority of the last 6 years looking at Phil and studying his face. 

She had a dimple while she eat, she wasn’t at the age where smiling happened yet but when she was they’d probably see it then too. Phil apparently took a 23andme test all those years ago when they were popular and has the gene for dimples and red hair, both things Dan is hoping and praying are passed over to their little miss P. 

“She needs a nickname.” Dan said softly. 

“She already has a few.” Phil reminded him.

“When Violet was a baby I called her monkey and cheeky chunker cause she was all rolls.” Dan said with a beaming smile on his face.

“It’s so weird for me to think you did this once, alone, at sixteen.” Phil said softly.

Dan sighed, still looking at his beautiful baby dreaming in his lap. “It wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My mom took over a lot, nan watched her while I was in school and then I left for uni and she was in the uni care facility. It wasn’t hard till the depression really hit.” 

“I can’t imagine that.” 

“Well, I’m sure you’re close to that because my depression got bad around the time Iris died. I think we might have even been in the hospital around the same time.” Dan added, he wasn’t sure how bringing that up would go over, they hardly ever touched on Iris or his breakdown.

“What day did you check yourself in?” Phil asked softly.

Dan thought for a second, “October twenty second twenty twelve.”

“I was there till the twenty third.” Phil confirmed. 

Dan smiled a bit, “even before we knew each other, we still did everything together.” 

“I love you.” Phil said, reaching over to kiss him lightly. 

“I love you too, but miss P needs a real nickname.” 

“Well I’ve been calling her my sweets and you’ve been calling her miss p, so sweet pea works well.” Phil said, leaning onto Dan’s shoulder so they could both look at her.

“Sweet pea, makes her seem like she’s from Alabama.” Dan said with a giggle. 

“Yeah, but she looks like a sweet pea, just like how Violet looks like a monkey.” he said. 

Dan nudged him from his shoulder, “Are you saying I have a monkey for a baby?” 

Phil laughed, “No! It just works like when your mum calls you bear.” 

“And how you are still dibs and Martyn is mook.” Dan agreed, “but I’m still not feeling sweet pea as much as my sweets and miss p work for her.” 

“We have the rest of her life to make one up.” 

-

The first few weeks were easy. She slept and eat and was a genuinely good baby. But the after a month she was a bit harder to understand. Unlike Violet she didn’t like sleeping at night, she liked to do her sleeping during the day and small naps far and few between at night. Dan didn’t mind too much, he went back into his night owl ways, scrolling through the internet and watching YouTube while Paisley laid beside him wide awake but quiet as a mouse. 

She wasn’t a crier, she sometimes made fussy noises when she wanted food and grunted when she needed to burp or poop but she was really, really good to them. He always knew she was hungry cause she’d open her mouth and stick her tongue out. It was cute, she was the sweetest, he wouldn’t change it for the world. 

In the mornings when she had her 7am feeding Violet came in and took her for it, letting them have a sleep in or a shower or have some alone time. Both her and Emily loved watching over her, holding her while she slept and doing anything she needed. It was like having two live in babysitters, the only thing Dan wasn’t comfortable with them doing yet was driving with her. They offered to take her to Kath’s house the one morning to give them a day, but Dan, and Phil, weren’t ready for her to drive without them. 

“Good morning,” Violet said softly, sneaking into their room. “I’m here for miss p.” 

“Thank you.” Dan replied, rolling over into Phil. He heard her shush Paisley and take her out of the room, closing the door lightly behind her.

“Morning love.” Phil whispered in his ear. 

“Morning.” Dan said, sitting up a little to lean on his elbow and look at him. “It’s Saturday.” 

Phil yawned, stretching a little. “And?” he asked. 

“They don’t have to leave for school in 2 hours meaning they’ll watch her as long as we’re in here.” he explained. 

“Oh so you’re horny?” Phil laughed. 

“Shut up.” Dan said, leaving the bed and going to the bathroom.

He walked in, leaving the door open. He dropped his pants and started the shower, brushing his teeth while the water got hot. He spat in the sink, getting in the shower and letting the hot water hit his front, it felt amazing. 

Phil walked in, peeing, then brushing his teeth and putting his contacts in. Dan expected him to go back to the room, to go make breakfast or just leave when he was done. Instead he also dropped his pants locked the bathroom door and got in the shower with him. 

“Hi.”

“Hello.” Dan said with a wide smile. 

Phil pulled him in real close so they were both under the stream of water, “We haven’t done this in a while.” 

Dan kissed him quickly, pecking his lips softly and smiling as he wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck. “It’s been too long.” 

“What do you want to do?” Phil asked softly, staring him in the eyes. They were so soft and blue today, Phil’s shit was so soft against his, he felt so happy and in love his heart wanted to burst out of his chest. 

“I don’t think we have the time to fuck honestly.”

“Sloppy handjobs while we make out under the water sounds romantic, right?” Phil said with another smile, he was such a fucking dork and Dan couldn’t help himself laughing and kissing him again. 

-

Back in the kitchen after their shower they found Phil’s mum rocking Paisley and cooing with a cup of tea beside her. “Mum? What are you doing here?” Phil asked, going to give her a hug.

“I came to see you both and brought over a pasta bake for you to heat up because Emily texted and said she was going to explode if she had one more curry.” She explained softly to not bother Paisley. 

“Well we appreciate that very much.” Dan said, hugging her lightly after Phil. 

Phil and his mum moved to the lounge together with Paisley, he could hear them lightly chatting while Dan made him and Phil some coffee and cereal. Bringing it into the room in the middle of them talking about how they’re doing. 

“You two seem very refreshed and happy for new parents.” she said with a smile. 

Dan blushed, a smile spread across his face, “yeah well we have two really good helpers who take her during the day when we need naps.”

“I wish Nigel and I had more help with Phil and Martyn,” she said with a small smile, staring down at the baby. “We almost went mad with Phil never sleeping and Martyn getting sick all the time. You’re lucky to have a good baby.”

“It’s all the other woman's fault, Phil had nothing to do with it.” Dan joked. 

“Just wait till she turns three and stands beside your bed staring down at you at four in the morning just for fun.” Kathryn said with a laugh as if it wasn’t the most demonic thing that has left her mouth.

“Excuse me?” Dan replied, serious as ever.

“Has Phil not told you?” 

Dan looked over at Phil who looked like he’d just been caught doing something naughty. “No,” Dan said, eyes wide and head tilted waiting for Phil to explain. 

“I don’t know why I did it, I was a weird kid!” he shrieked in his defence. 

“Remind me to get him exercised.” Dan said before they all started laughing.

They laughed hard enough to wake Paisley up, starling her a little she started to whine. Kath shushed her while she rocked her back and forth. “She might need a change I don’t know if the girls did that.” 

“They did I walked in on Violet changing her.” she said with a smile, kissing Paisley’s head and holding her more against her chest. “Sometimes they just need a cuddle and nothing more.” Just then, Paisley spit up all over her shoulder.

“Oh dear.” Phil said, reaching to take Paisley off her. 

“I’ll get you a shirt to borrow I’m so sorry!” Dan said in a frenzy. 

“Boys it’s fine, I knew what I signed up for when I held her.” She said softly, looking to make sure none got in her hair. “But I will take a new shirt please.” 

Dan went upstairs to Emily’s room to ask her for a shirt, knocking quietly waiting for her to allow him to come in. She opened the door, she was dressed and had a full face of makeup on. “Hey.” she said with a smile. 

“Hey, you look nice.” 

“Thank you!” she was oddly cherry. “What’s up?” 

“Your grandma is downstairs and she was spit up on and needs a new shirt, can she borrow a shirt?” he asked.

“Yeah sure come in while I find one.” she opened her door more, Dan came in and sat at her desk chair. 

“Going somewhere today?” he asked.

She dug into her wardrobe, “I’m hoping too. A girl I like is coming to Manchester to visit the Uni with her parents and they might take me to lunch with them but I still have to ask dad.” she explained.

“How’d you meet her?” He asked, going into full protective Dad mode.

“Twitter, we both like the 1975.” she said with a smile. “Her name is Poppy and she’s almost eighteen. Her parents are probably as worried as you guys are if we meet so they want to come by and talk to you guys and to make sure I’m not a freak and so you’ll know they aren’t either.” she rambled, clearly figuring everything out before she asked. 

He smiled, “Well, I support you and I’ll take your side if Phil gets iffy.” 

She handed him the shirt, a plane pink one, and wrapped her arms around Dan. “I love you, thank you.” 

“I love you too hun.”


	13. Chapter 13

Paisley got really sick at the beginning of March. 

It all happened quicker than Dan would have liked, well, no father wants his kid to get sick however this happened far too fast. It started with her not wanting to eat, they figured she was just uninterested, that both their kids went through phases like that and so would she. Then she moved to sleeping more than normal, at first they thought it was a blessing and then it became worrying. 

Phil made Dan promise not to google it, not to scare himself into thinking the worst but he couldn’t help it. He was always scared, but he didn’t look it up. He figured they’d wait it out. That was until she wouldn’t stop screaming, her chest started to become warm, not enough to worry she was getting a fever, but she was still warm. 

Both him and Phil had never given an infant a rectal thermometer, but she started getting very hot. Rather than calling Phil’s mum and asking her to come help, or waking Charlotte to ask how to do it, they took her right to A&E. There weren’t many people there at 4 in the morning on a Wednesday, but they put a mask on her and waited their turn to see someone. 

She did have a fever, 102.4 to be exact. Being under 3 months that was a huge concern, they took them into an exam room to ask them more questions. The nurse noticed the non stop crying, they told him that Paisley wouldn’t eat and she’d been very sleepy. He asked if she’d been throwing up more than normal, which they realized she had been. 

The nurse nodded along and checked off boxes on a chart. It made Dan’s heart race, he knew something was wrong. His stomach was in knots and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“I believe she might have meningitis.” he said with a sad look on his face, his lips pressed together, like it was something they should be scared of. 

“Okay, what do we do?” Phil asked.

“I’m going to have the doctor look over her chart and have another nurse come take a small blood sample and confirm it, and if she does have meningitis then she will have to be checked in so we can give her IV antibiotics and monitor her improvement.” he explained very softly. 

Dan didn’t know what to say, he just picked Paisley up off the exam table and held her to his chest. Shushing her and bobbing her around, she’d stopped crying a few minutes ago once they had stripped her down to her diaper, almost falling asleep while Phil talked to the nurse and Dan ignored everything hoping it all went away. 

“Dan?” Phil asked, taking Dan out of his trance as he soothed Paisley and stared at the thin wall of their exam room. 

Dan hummed in response, looking at Phil with glossy eyes. He didn’t even realize he was crying. “Did you hear any of that?” he asked. Dan shook his head no. “the other nurse will be here in a moment to take her blood. Is she asleep?” 

“Yeah she’s out.” he whispered, his voice corse as he held in his emotions. 

“I’m going to stay till we know what’s for sure, and if she is admitted I’ll go home and pack you both a bag and bring it here if you want to stay with her full time and I can come to keep you company during the day and go home at night for the girls or I can call mum and have her get everything and watch the kids and Bowie it’s really whatever you want.” Phil said all in one breath, clearly very upset himself. 

“Go home.” Dan whispered. “Get some things, come and see me whenever you want but I will be her the whole time. I can’t leave her.” he cried. 

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, Paisley’s overly warm body in the middle of them. “We’re going to be okay.” he whispered. 

They laid her down softly on the exam table once again. The nurse taking the tiniest of blood samples from her heel just like they had done shortly after her birth, it made her fuss in her sleep but not enough to wake her once more. The nurse also took that opportunity to put her IV in, putting the needle and the tube site in and covering it with a thick layer of tape and cloth so Paisley couldn’t accidentally rip it out. 

It was all very scary. He knows fevers aren’t good for any baby at any age but especially a baby this little, she hasn’t even had her 2 months shots yet, and now she’s sick and sitting in a place that not only treats illness but is infested with it. She’s susceptible to anything in here with her lowered immune system and Dan can’t stop freaking out. 

“Do you want a coffee or a tea or something to calm down?” Phil asked, rubbing his hands over Dan’s shoulders while he sat in the chair beside the exam table. 

He wiped a tear off his cheek, “yeah a tea would be nice.” he said softly, his voice was low and nasally from crying. 

Phil kissed his head, “I’ll be right back.” he said, running his hand across Dan’s back as he walked away and slipped out of the room. 

Not even a minute went by and the doctor had decided to come into the room. It always happened like that, they came at the lease convenient time. “Hello Mr. Lester.” he said with a soft pressed lipped smile. The same one the first nurse had. 

“My husband has just slipped out to grab a coffee, he’ll be right back if we can wait.” Dan told him. 

“We can wait for him before we relocate you, but we have to move quickly as she does have meningitis.” he confirmed. 

Dan felt sick, instantly a rush of anxiety took over him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Sir are you okay.” he asked. Dan could barely hear it under the ringing and the intense beating behind his ears. He was having a full anxiety attacked, but he had to stay calm for her. 

He swallowed sharply, “Is she going to be okay?” he asked.

“You brought her in early enough that we believe she will be, but being so young there is no telling what long term effects it could cause.” he told Dan, honest and calming. “Once we’re in her room we’ll discuss everything properly.” 

Dan started to cry again, running his hand softly over the thin blond hairs on Paisleys head. She was still so warm, but at least she was sleeping and not in pain. His tears flowed down his cheeks, and splattered on the paper covering the exam table. He’s never been this scared for one of his children before, this was so new even though he’d been a dad for 16 years.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> final chapter before the epilogue

They had been in the hospital for two days now. Dan sleeping on a bed with Paisley in a cot beside him. Wires monitoring her heart, a patch for monitoring her fever, IV’s for her fluids and even at one point she had a feeding tube down her nose because she wasn’t eating anything. Dan stayed the entire time, not moving unless she did. He watched her so carefully he was scared to blink and miss something. 

Phil came during the days, he had to wear a mask when he was in. no one else was allowed in because she was too susceptible to more illness this way. They ended up paying for a better room than the one the NHS offered to them, giving Dan a shower to clean off while Phil was there watching her. He spent most his showers crying where he thought no one could hear him. He was terrified of losing her, to say the least. 

Her fever didn’t go down right away, making everyone a little concerned. Every doctor and nurse that checked her made a face when they saw she was still fevered and it scared him more. There was something they weren’t telling him. 

He finally cracked. “What’s wrong, aren’t you trained to not make faces so we don’t freak out.” he spat, angerly. Phil had to place a hand on his lower back to remind him to calm down a bit. 

“I’m sorry sir, she is getting better but with prolonged fevers, in meningitis cases, she could possibly lose her hearing and she’s not responding properly in her right ear at the moment.” the young nurse replied. 

He wanted to scream but he held back. “I want a hearing specialist now.” 

“But-”

“Now.” He said, sternly. She nodded and left the room, shoving her stethoscope in her pocket.

He looked over at Phil, who was pacing now. “Were they just not going to tell us till she was deaf?” he half yelled, his voice loud enough to get his point across but not wake her. 

Phil walked over to her cot where she was patiently lying, wiggling her limbs and playing with the cords. “Paisley,” he whispered. She didn’t react. “Paisley.” he got louder. Nothing. 

“Paisley!!” Dan yelled from the other side of the room, making her cry, Phil ran a hand over her tummy to calm her down. 

“You’re on the left side of the room.” Phil reminded him. “They said she can’t hear on the right side. Now Dan was crying again. 

“Why did this happen?” he asked. “She had a great pregnancy, and she was so healthy, what happened?” 

“Life.” 

“I fucking hate this Phil.” he cried harder. Leaving Phil to console a crying baby and Dan on his shoulder. 

Phil rubbed his hands up and down Dan’s back. “Hearing loss is better than losing her altogether,” Phil whispered.

“I know.” Dan cried harder.

He couldn’t take the thought of losing his baby or having anything happen to any of his children. Be it Violet almost getting pregnant, Emily being suicidal, Paisley being deaf. He just bawled quietly on Phil’s shoulder while holding him close for god knows how long. 

A knock at the door and the nurse was back in the doorway with another doctor they’d never seen before. “This is the on-call Otolaryngologist,” he spoke quietly, and the word made Dan and Phil show a confused look on their faces. “Ear doctor.” He explained. 

“Oh hello,” Phil said, sticking his hand out to shake the man's hand. 

“I looked at her charts and she has some hearing loss reported, but to be more sure we’re going to have to do some tests when she isn’t fevered anymore,” he spoke with a nice Irish accent. 

Dan wiped his eyes a bit more, “what kind of tests?” he asked. 

“We’ll have to do an Auditory brainstem response. The test uses electrodes to see how the auditory nerve reacts to sound, I can schedule it for Monday, her fever should be gone by then,” he explained. 

Dan nodded, “okay, yes please do so.” 

“I’ll have Dr Schmitt send you the time, until then can I look in her ears?” he asked, walking over to her. 

“So why does hearing loss happen?” Phil asked. 

“An infection in the lining and fluid around the brain and spinal column can cause hearing loss. Which is why I want to do the ABR test.” 

“Okay,” Dan said, nodding along. He felt so sad he didn’t know how to properly speak to the man. 

Phil picked Paisley up and held her close while the doctor looked in her ears. Shining the light in and taking a look. “Now I’m going to do a slight pitch test.” he held a device that looked like an old tape recorder up and pressed a button, letting out a pitch they all heard, except Paisley. 

She didn’t flinch or move to look at the sound like she once would have. It made Dan let out a sob. They tested the left ear next, the same non-response. “Sir, hearing loss isn’t that bad. We can get her hearing aids, she could qualify for surgeries to help. Cochlear implants are very helpful as well. It’s not the end of the world she will have the same childhood as any hearing child would have.”

He was right. Dan can learn sign language and teach it to her, they can get her all the things she would need to hear a bit. He would buy lighted phones and things to help her around the house, he would do everything in the world for his little girl to feel normal. 

They talked over a few more things, making sure Dan and Phil fully understood what was happening and what the next steps were. They shook his hand again and asked him his name, Doctor Drew Thompson, Otolaryngologist. Dan thanked him too many times and the man was off. 

They shut the door and looked over to Paisley who had fallen asleep. “Do you want to go home and shower and see the girls? I’ll watch her till you get back.” Phil asked. 

“There’s a shower here.”

“Do you want to go hug your other babies and get a coffee or see Peggy or Charlotte?” Phil asked. 

“Yeah.” he cried. 

“Go escape for a bit, I’ve got her and I’ll call if anything happens okay love?” Phil took him in his arms and held him. “Do you need to make an appointment with Shannon?” 

“Not yet, I think I’m just going to go to your mum’s place actually.” 

“Yeah?”

Dan nodded, “yeah I just need a mum hug you know? And some advice to stop freaking out about my kids.” 

“She never stopped worrying.” 

“No, but she got better.” 

-

At Kath's he walked right in, a big smile on Kath's face as he sat beside her on the couch. She opened her mouth to talk but he curled right into her neck to sob. Uncontrollably he wept into her shoulder, she held him close and rubbed his back. 

“Dad?” he heard Violet's voice in the room, it only leads him to cry harder. “Is Paisley okay?” 

“She’s really sick.” he managed to croak out. 

“How sick?” Kath asked. 

He sat up and wiped his eyes, taking a deep breath but stuttering it on its way out. His whole chest was heaving from the anxiety cry he just had. “Meningitis can make babies go deaf and she’s not responding to hearing tests well right now.” 

“Oh Dan,” Kath said in a sympathetic tone.

“I just came for an escape, Phil’s with her and I don't like when he sees me like this, even after six years,” Dan said, wiping his tears off his cheek with the back of his hand.

Katherine pulled him back in, holding him in her arms and rubbing his back to let him cry. He soaked a wet spot into her shirt as he cried there for a solid half hour. She ended up resting her cheek on the top of his head, showing him more love and support at that moment than his own mother ever had. 

“I love you,” he told her.

“I love you too child,” she said softly before laying a kiss to head. “I always will.”

It gets worse before it gets better. Phil calls Dan while he’s with his family and tells him to come back right away. It was a possibility and apparently, all possibilities are becoming a reality for them. The fever spikes to 106 even with all her medicine and fluids. They move from Dilaudid to morphine, bypassing the fear of addictions in kids to wanting to break the fever as fast as they can. 

It takes 6 hours for her to drop down 97.8, right where she’s supposed to be. They spend the night holding her and shushing her, her crying is more like a piercing scream. Like she can’t hear herself and that is the noise she is making with her pain. Dan hates every second and cries right along with her as he holds her boiling hot body to his. 

They bring the hearing specialist back in the next morning when her fever is down, they don’t move her in fear of infection, they bring all the equipment to her. Dan and Phil sat patiently in the corner as different doctors and nurses came in and out, wearing masks and attaching things to her. They monitored her heart, did an ultrasound on the fluid by her spinal cord, and they did a pitch test. 

She’s deaf. 100 percent in her right ear and 80 in her left. It’s heartbreaking, only for the first few hours of her diagnosis while Dan thinks the worst. But it gets better with the more research that Phil does. She can get a cochlear implant when she’s 2. There is a good chance she can hear them again one day, she’ll hear the words “I love you” from them once again, and that’s all Dan cares about. 

Making sure she knows that she is loved.


End file.
